Still a dreamer…Old Memories and New Hopes

A few experiences that might be of interest to anyone on or going on Internet Dating Sites. All observations, not from anger, but from my truths.
First, may I quote some words I read recently. I wish I remembered where and who may have said them. If someone wrote this, please leave in comment section, so I’ll be able to remember and credit.
“Having sex with a man is one of the easiest ways to send him packing. Once a man has intimacy with you, he no longer has anything to imagine or desire from you. If he’s interested, he would try to get to know the person you are.”
1952??????? No 2016!!!!!!!
For the past 11 years, I have had many opportunities for such a meeting. Have sex and then get to know someone. Not exactly the wave length I’m on. I don’t judge. If that works for you, so be it. For me never. The body parts I would like to know first? Heart and brain definitely.
The quote for me, is not frozen in the 50’s. It’s no big secret that men can have sex with no emotion. I have been involved in women’s issues for many years, and most women that I have spoken to, can’t separate the emotion from the physical. Some can.
I was promised recently a “memorable experience” that I would never forget. I never found out. A one time experience is not on my bucket list. Well, maybe if Paul Rudd insisted!!!
Sex is so easy. But making love is an art form and a gift. Perhaps the memorable experience.
My mantra? Stop a creep before a creepy experience. Not “going for it” is a freeing experience. It’s a matter of what’s right for me. Dignity is part of my DNA………
My husband died almost 12 years ago. I never compare anyone to him. No contest, and that would be unfair of me. I was definitely open to finding a new love. It hasn’t happened. I have been pro active but not even close to being with another man. I was not going to settle for emotionally challenged men. My marriage had ups downs and ups. He was my anchor and we had a soul connected love. He called me “his butterfly.” Every card for every occasion had a butterfly and his words to me always, ” You’re like a butterfly. Beautiful……. that you let go of and it flies back.” I did….and we flew together for so many wonderful years.
So, what was being offered to me on the dating sites, I wasn’t interested 99% of the time….
Emailing, texting, phone conversations. Talking and planning. Fantasy takes over. Reality drifts away. The more you continue to communicate without meeting, the more intense the fantasy is nourished and grows, on both sides. Enormous amount of time and energy wasted.
In my experience, the chemistry (fantasy) can be fantastic on-line, and then in person, a complete zero.
I was never disappointed or sad. I became empowered. I would say to myself, lesson learned.
……….and this is what I learned.
You’re communicating with a stranger until you meet in person, and then they can be even stranger!
I stayed on Tinder because I met two interesting men. One a selfless interesting humanitarian. The other a pilot who just wasn’t as interesting in person as he was on paper. The humanitarian is out of the country more than he is here. I’m almost positive I will not meet him in September. This is my lesson learned well and I will practice immediately.
If you meet someone on-line. Limit yourself to a few introduction emails. Then ASAP for a coffee/tea in a public place. You avoid yet again, the long journey from fantasy to reality.
“Heard Melodies Are Sweet, But Those Unheard Are Sweeter.” John Keats
Maybe, never meet.

PS The last Stitch event I gave in Virginia was a most joyous experience.
The story…A widow for 13 years in Chicago. No children. She met a divorced man from Virginia. They emailed and talked for a short time. They met on and fell deeply in love. She moved everything to his home in Virginia and at the cafe shared their joy. We all felt their happiness and were beaming the entire evening.
Happily ever after. ………………………………..You never know!!!!!

Comments on: "Fantasy vs Reality………On Internet Dating Sites" (13)

  1. Marsha Mann larner said:

    This piece is SO well written, well said, and well meant.
    Most of all truest words – accurately authentic .

  2. So true, Paulette, took the words right out of my mouth. The part about meeting quickly for coffee/tea/drink (did you say drink? maybe that was just me) is practically out of my profile when I was on Match! Long written exchanges generally do nothing except prolong a fantasy of someone.

    • Thank you for reading and commenting. I usually wanted just a quick meeting because I know immediately and would prefer not a drink. If it worked, which I’ve not had yet, the drink would be next. Just put this on Twitter. Sharing with you. Another Short Sad Story. A man promised me a “memorable experience.” He was the most interesting man I ever met. I ran away. I wanted to first be friends. The End. True story Sheru, I appreciate your words.

  3. Hi
    What a wonderful way to pass on wisdom, respect and self love.
    I agree with you completely.
    Who is for me will come if I continue to move forward with dignity and hope.

    • Wonderful to read your comment. I appreciate your kind words. I do believe if it’s meant to be, the right one will be in our path .
      So good meeting you Ni,and look forward to being with you again soon. Again heartfelt thank you.

  4. Thank you Marsha for your wonderful comments. Your validation of my words means so much to me. 🌺… When I think about you, memories of Barry and Paris are always with me.

  5. Paulette…. I so appreciate your honesty in what you have found in your experiences with dating. I know you have tried other methods outside of the Internet too and are still looking. It is difficult when you have had such a wonderful love and nothing CAN compare to him. I am so blessed and very grateful I have the relationship with my hubby that I do now. I recognize it is unique all the time. I regret the many years we wasted NOT loving each other the way God intended for us to do. We have worked hard to get where we are now and I am always trying to mentor new couples and other married people not to waste the time we did.
    This is a subject close to home at the moment because our daughter is getting married next Sat. They have been together for 8 LONG years… I say that because we have all been to hell and back with this relationship. We have ALL dealt with the ups and downs and good and bad. They have endured a lot and stayed together. My daughter is one of the most tenacious people you will ever meet. If she wants something bad enough, she will move mountains… I have seen her do it. She has stuck with this young man through thick and thin and part of the reason is because she has witnessed her dad and I through the most difficult times (including almost divorce) and we are still standing after 30 years. I have wished this guy away many, many times and she has stayed glued. The irony is not lost on me… the very reason they have stayed together is because of her dad and I.
    I pray you will find a great love again. There are a few prince charmings left! I just hate the part where ya have to kiss a few frogs to find them! LOL!

    • Dear Courtney,
      How I wish we could talk on the phone. We share so much. There are times there are enemies in your own family. The word family must be earned, not a given. I was with five evolved interesting women last night. Everyone one of them with a kind heart and soul. Everyone of them gave up contact with family members. You feel empowered when you do that. You take the power from the evil person and there are such people out there, and you give it back where it belongs, to yourself. Knowing you as I do from words from your heart, if there is someone in your family that has emotions for you that include hatred, not love, there is something wrong with them. I volunteered once in a psychiatric hospital. The mean family were the visitors and the sensitive family member who couldn’t deal with family hatred, in the hospital. I was never going to allow that to happen to me.
      I’m not sure if your daughters wedding is today or next week. May it be a beautiful wonderful wedding with nourishing family and friends. Anyone not there, doesn’t deserve being there. Also please don’t waste your time and energy on guilt or regrets. Should have would have could have, out. It’s what you have now…….and will continue to thrive with your husband that counts. Not what was, but what is and will be. What wonderful role models you are for your daughter and son in law to be. Their relationship sounds like it was meant to be and hopefully the foundation is very strong and they will have a lifetime of joy and the tools to deal with anything that comes their way. I wish the happy couple and you and your husband, everything that you all wish for yourselves. Thank you for your good wishes to me. If a prince is to come into my life, he will. Serendipity. Hugs, Paulette Thank you always for your kindness. I tried to comment on your blog and not sure how???????

    • Thanks so much for all of you supportive words Paulette. I appreciate them more than you know. Some of my closest friends know the situation with my mother but not all the history so they just do not understand. “But it’s your mother, you shouldn’t let stuff from the past keep you from talking…. etc” They simply do not understand someone who is so toxic. I have had to give that relationship up for my own sanity and self-preservation and protection of my family. I can’t help it if she is my mother. I was close to my mom once when I was younger. It was just me and her for several years. But when she married my brother’s father (I was 9) our life began to change. Mental illness runs in our family. Suicide attempts and hospitals, depression… probably due to chemical imbalance because I knew my grandparents and how my mother was raised. It was NOT from that! My family history is sordid and ugly with not much joy. I have written about it to my therapist and it helped to get some details out. I’m not shy about talking about myself and I try not to let shame rule my self-esteem and opinion of myself. I try to see who I am in God’s eyes and that helps a lot.

      Wedding is next Saturday. We leave Thurs for KY and festivities begin Friday afternoon. I was chastised last night for saying I want it over. It has been so stressful I am mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted. But I know it will be a good day! I have told my daughter from the beginning that whoever is there is supposed to be there will be, and those who aren’t, won’t! I am a broken record LOL! She is disappointed about her grandmother, but also understands we do not need negative energy.. It’s truly in God’s hands now! I gave it all over to Him last night and it was the first night I have slept in weeks!

      As far as how to comment on my blog?? Hmm… If you scroll all the way to the bottom of my page below the other comments, there should be a box open. If it doesn’t show up for you, I’m not sure what the issue is. 😦 Were you trying to do it on your phone? Sometimes WordPress is weird on mobile devices. Thank you for visiting. With your “Like” I knew you were there! 😉

      • Hi Courtney,
        The Mother word is just not a given, and because someone is a mother does not mean they deserve love and respect. That is earned. I know I deserve and appreciate the love and devotion I have from my sons and grandchildren. You can’t listen to well meaning?????? friends. They are not in your .shoes. In a sweet way you can say, “I don’t remember asking” You actually can ask ten opinions and get ten opinions Only you know what is healthy and nourishing for you. That’s why it is so important to have a loving relationship with yourself. Your mother is not only toxic to you, but to herself as well. Hatred is like acid, it destroys the vessel in which it is stored, not the object on which it is poured. Not sure where I first heard this. Someone who hates empowers the negative. When you don’t feel the pain anymore, you have detached yourself from those that have hurt you. Your daughter is still young and idealistic. She wants everything to be perfect and it’s not always that way. Just know this is a happy occasion and have the best time. You should have wonderful memories and not let something or someone so negative spoil it for you. So you have to do mind control and mindfulness thinking. Look beautiful, feel wonderful, and whoever is not there doesn’t deserve to be.
        Sending you and your family love and all good wishes on this lovely occasion.

      • Thank you Paulette. The wedding went aaallmmooost perfect. Just a couple of hiccups, things that were forgotten and miscommunication. Not the end of the world. Too many cooks in the to speak 🙂 But it was truly lovely and she is happy and felt it was her “dream” wedding day. That is all I wanted for her.
        Nope… mother decided not to come. My brother said he tried to talk her into it also, but she was adamant. Oh well. Her loss. My daughter is the only grandchild she will ever see get married. My brother’s kids are so young, that if she lives long enough, she will be in her 90s. Not the same as going now while she is still in good health. There were several who didn’t come that we expected, but everyone had a plausible reason. I’m just glad the whole thing is over!!! Thanks for the positive thoughts and prayers.. they were felt! 🙂

  6. Katherine M said:

    All so true.

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