Still a dreamer…Old Memories and New Hopes

Archive for the ‘observations’ Category

Fantasy vs Reality………On Internet Dating Sites

A few experiences that might be of interest to anyone on or going on Internet Dating Sites. All observations, not from anger, but from my truths.
First, may I quote some words I read recently. I wish I remembered where and who may have said them. If someone wrote this, please leave in comment section, so I’ll be able to remember and credit.
“Having sex with a man is one of the easiest ways to send him packing. Once a man has intimacy with you, he no longer has anything to imagine or desire from you. If he’s interested, he would try to get to know the person you are.”
1952??????? No 2016!!!!!!!
For the past 11 years, I have had many opportunities for such a meeting. Have sex and then get to know someone. Not exactly the wave length I’m on. I don’t judge. If that works for you, so be it. For me never. The body parts I would like to know first? Heart and brain definitely.
The quote for me, is not frozen in the 50’s. It’s no big secret that men can have sex with no emotion. I have been involved in women’s issues for many years, and most women that I have spoken to, can’t separate the emotion from the physical. Some can.
I was promised recently a “memorable experience” that I would never forget. I never found out. A one time experience is not on my bucket list. Well, maybe if Paul Rudd insisted!!!
Sex is so easy. But making love is an art form and a gift. Perhaps the memorable experience.
My mantra? Stop a creep before a creepy experience. Not “going for it” is a freeing experience. It’s a matter of what’s right for me. Dignity is part of my DNA………
My husband died almost 12 years ago. I never compare anyone to him. No contest, and that would be unfair of me. I was definitely open to finding a new love. It hasn’t happened. I have been pro active but not even close to being with another man. I was not going to settle for emotionally challenged men. My marriage had ups downs and ups. He was my anchor and we had a soul connected love. He called me “his butterfly.” Every card for every occasion had a butterfly and his words to me always, ” You’re like a butterfly. Beautiful……. that you let go of and it flies back.” I did….and we flew together for so many wonderful years.
So, what was being offered to me on the dating sites, I wasn’t interested 99% of the time….
Emailing, texting, phone conversations. Talking and planning. Fantasy takes over. Reality drifts away. The more you continue to communicate without meeting, the more intense the fantasy is nourished and grows, on both sides. Enormous amount of time and energy wasted.
In my experience, the chemistry (fantasy) can be fantastic on-line, and then in person, a complete zero.
I was never disappointed or sad. I became empowered. I would say to myself, lesson learned.
……….and this is what I learned.
You’re communicating with a stranger until you meet in person, and then they can be even stranger!
I stayed on Tinder because I met two interesting men. One a selfless interesting humanitarian. The other a pilot who just wasn’t as interesting in person as he was on paper. The humanitarian is out of the country more than he is here. I’m almost positive I will not meet him in September. This is my lesson learned well and I will practice immediately.
If you meet someone on-line. Limit yourself to a few introduction emails. Then ASAP for a coffee/tea in a public place. You avoid yet again, the long journey from fantasy to reality.
“Heard Melodies Are Sweet, But Those Unheard Are Sweeter.” John Keats
Maybe, never meet.

PS The last Stitch event I gave in Virginia was a most joyous experience.
The story…A widow for 13 years in Chicago. No children. She met a divorced man from Virginia. They emailed and talked for a short time. They met on Stitch.net and fell deeply in love. She moved everything to his home in Virginia and at the cafe shared their joy. We all felt their happiness and were beaming the entire evening.
Happily ever after. ………………………………..You never know!!!!!

I Admit I Know Nothing……..about Politics

I think at the age I am, I do know about women’s issues…. Knowing what clothes to keep, so I go shopping in my closet is something I know about. Raising terrific loving sons, and hopefully giving some wisdom to them and my grandchildren is easy. Being a friend is hopefully what my friends appreciate. Knowing who should and should not be in my life, another easy one.
But politics is something I always knew I knew very little about, and now less than little. Sunday morning news programs and New York Times doesn’t clear up anything for me. I consider myself apolitical, but I do like to be aware. Involved no, because then I would never sleep, I remember growing up, there were politicians that had integrity. Now, that doesn’t seem to be so important. Not that any one with that personality would want to date me, but if someone wanted to fix me up with a politician, I would of course decline.
I have a friend from New Zealand and she emailed me recently what most of my friends think of Trump. I do know none of them are voting for him. Obviously he has a Huge fan base and they frighten me. Hate also frightens me. Have things changed that much, or has my tolerance for fighting and name calling reached an all time low?
Does Bernie have a chance to make all the changes he wants to make actually happen? Health care and college for all and free. Does Trump really plan on building a wall and deporting millions? Is Hillary really a liar….about everything? Who knows what the truth is. I certainly don’t and reading and listening to all the news only makes me totally perplexed.
I wish all this was over and we had a president. Hopefully one we can respect and one who is qualified for the office.
Bill Maher said on his show Friday night that Canada is building its own wall….to keep us out!!!!!

Thank you, but No Hummers, Hairpieces, or Hunters

So, I’m actually having some “chats” with some Tinder acquaintances that are not holding a dead fish or tattooed from head to toe.  A few I unmatched, and a few unmatched me before I was able to do the same. One guy was gloomy, sad and had a very dark energy. He said he was a writer and lived on UWS. Not a surprise. After carefully looking at his photo, I decided to see what “his writing” was about. Asked if I could read some and if he was published. He unmatched me. I guess too much info for him to give out.  He also appeared to be as much fun to be with as a migraine or cluster headache. Judging, you bet. That’s what you do on Tinder. Unlike all other sites, especially my favorite, Stitch, there is no profile. Age, photo, and college name, and perhaps one other sentence. You’re basically going on looks alone. Shallow perhaps, but it is what it is. Tinder started as a site for 20 somethings looking to hook up.
Hooking up is not in my DNA. Even if it was Paul Rudd…

They had a positive write-up in New York Times, and their reputation now has changed. I still think I’m the oldest, not even woman, but person on the site.  Of course many catfish. If I suspect one has matched with me, I always say, I’m on writing about catfish, and once volunteered with the police department, having been trained to do so in New Jersey on a Domestic Violence Crisis Team. The red flags fly, but they quickly swim away. I have suggested Stitch to some of the nice guys.

Had all intentions of meeting a few for a drink and then I chickened out. The “seems like a good idea” quickly changing to “what was I thinking?” is something I would like to avoid.

There is a lawyer that very much wants to meet me and that is difficult to refuse since he seems nice. Am I overly anxious to meet him? Not really.

He asked what I was looking for in a man. I thought for a few seconds and came up with this answer. Number one Chemistry. Also important is sophistication,  sensuality, kindness, sense of self and humor, and last but not least, to be genuine and have integrity. Did I leave anything out? Oh yes, age appropriate. ……That always seems to be left out and will also apply to any other comments on my part…..for now…..

Back to the lawyer. I asked him the same question he asked me and this was his answer. “Interesting, intriguing, honest, warm, fun to be around. Playful like a kitten and strong as a lion.”

The playful thing was a little much, and his next message was “are you playful.” I like a bit of sarcastic humor but not sure how he would react if I said, “Well, if you throw me a ball, I may not fetch.”  There are so many ways I would describe myself. Playful would not be in the top ten if we haven’t met.

Gloria Vanderbilt is 91 and still looking for magic to happen.

I’m thinking of taking a course in becoming a magician…

What ever happened to the phone call a single woman might get. “Have I got a great guy for you.”

I will never stop believing in Rainbows, but as I have always said to friends, I wish you realistic rainbows. Enjoy the colors, but find your own pot of gold.

Politics? No Thanks

I am definitely going to post a piece on living in this political unrest, and at times very violent society, I always try to remain neutral about politics, since I am so apolitical. I don’t understand it and understand politicians  less. There is a certain personality trait required to go into the field in the first place.

Feb. 1, I will be going back to one of my favorite places to visit. Virginia and will have a 6 hour train ride to think about this subject. The candidates,and who I would possibly vote for. Not that it would or should make a difference to followers, but I have a feeling many of us feel helpless when it comes to this process. The amount of money spent is outrageous, when I see so many homeless on the streets of New York City. Something is wrong with this picture. This is not the atmosphere for an idealist for sure.

Please stay tuned. I welcome comments and wonder if anyone else is wondering what’s going on????????

New York City Moment

I was walking on First/77th. A homeless man sitting in a doorway..a couple standing over him with a container of food. I stopped to listen. He asked what it was, and they were in the process of explaining, pasta with chicken. The man shook  his finger and head,  and kept saying, “I can’t, I’m gluten-free.”

I was hoping for a no thank you, but hey this is New York.

Realistic Rainbows

Thirty five years ago I wrote a piece on rainbows. I said that I believed in realistic rainbows. Perhaps it sounds like an oxymoron but not to me.

Very simply I exalt in the colors and the magical moment when you see a rainbow, but do not spend time looking for the pot of gold………. You create your own.

Jet Etiquette

Did trilogy about NYC apartment living. Etiquette in the Mail room, Elevator, and the Gym. Just to show how a  little friendliness and manners works.
Now faced with airplane situations. Jet Blue is great. They have no classes–but you can pay extra, and with that increase, you board early, seat of your choice, and  extra room. Reaching a certain age gives you permission to make some choices in your favor……such as an aisle seat up front. No guarantee who will be sitting next to you.

Recently had family outing to Salt Lake City, Utah with my oldest son, “daughter”. Three of us going and four coming back, including my granddaughter.

Going was a lovely surprise. My son bumped me up to First Class. A delight of comfort and joy. Delta had room galore and actually served free drinks and dinner. Also free entertainment.  Remember fondly when they made chocolate chip cookies and the entire First Class section had the scent of a bakery.  Also remember not so fondly, drunk passengers. Counting the amount consumed was a thing I did to pass the time.The more they drank, the louder they became. A great fear is when a child is sitting  in front of you, but staring at you and leaning over. The fear is them throwing up. It has happened. Fortunately not to me, but close enough to make me fearful forever.

When boarding, many seat mates just smile, sit down, put on eye shades, pop a pill and some wine, and are sleeping before take off.  That’s lovely. Next to an empty seat,second best. Some people never smile, never say hello, and seem rather grumpy and miserable. Watching them watching  a dark screen for hours seems a little odd. I do find the chatters, rather chatty and annoying. The only solution is putting on ear phones and listening or watching. Protective gear.

Flying back to NYC from Utah, Coach and  the middle seat was mine. A mother in the window seat about 60 and her daughter in the aisle seat.  Mother was pleasant enough. She smiled as she went to her seat. The daughter was very unpleasant and never changed her expression or say  thank you to the flight attendant. Some people are just miserable. There was no conversation. She would be all settled in with lap top and munchies on her tray with water, and if I had to go to the bathroom, she was somewhat rattled. Not up and down every few minutes, but on a four-hour flight, I got up twice. She definitely had issues. Maybe in her 30’s and very little interaction with her mom. Lucky they weren’t back and forth talking  with me in the middle. Silence at times is golden. Especially in the clouds.

Once I land, there are no complaints, just feelings of enormous gratitude  Observing only. It does seem that a  lap top and ear phones are necessary, a book or newspaper,  not personal interaction.

If someone sat next to me and quietly said “have a safe flight.” That would be lovely……and enough!!!

Anger…A New York Thing?

Noun..”A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure. or hostility.”

Are people angrier in New York City.? I’ve had visitors tell me it sure seems so. I have been told New Yorker’s talk louder, walk  faster, and are very rude.

I live here and I don’t see myself that way at all. Well I do walk faster. I do get a bit annoyed when I have to wait on-line to walk. I do talk a bit louder because of the sirens, new building noises, new subway noises, and all city noises. Rude? No not that one. In fact I always say thank you to the bus driver as most people do. I have noticed on the bus, subway, and streets, people do have a stressed looked. The mellow look will probably arrive with the legalization of pot.

It is very important not to be rude to tourists or anyone in the service community. I have noticed in my building that most people say thank you to the doorman. Most, not all.

Where I have witnessed anger? The movie theaters. You go to relax and be entertained.  Seems many men and women are there alone and want their space. Couples are not excluded in this.  I have seen people almost come to blows over talking during the commercials and coming attractions. Yelling at each other.

Here is a recent sample. Mostly seniors engaging in this rage. “Will you shut up.” No answer and continued whispering. “I asked you to shut up.” The whispering goes on. “I’m not asking you again. Shut the f..k up.” Now I’m getting anxious since this has elevated to a screaming match. I notice a few others now are chiming in. The whisperer finally answers. “I can talk all I want. It’s not the movie. “No you can’t idiot, I’m watching the trailers”. “Move then.” ‘I don’t have to move. You’re the inconsiderate one, you move.”

All becomes quiet since the film has begun. Peace and quiet, and I survived another round of movie theater rage.

Am I so mellow re meditation, yoga, and when necessary a little Valium? Do I not allow anger to touch me now at this age?

When on the bus, try not to have your feet stretched out or large parcels that others can trip on. Anger just waiting to explode. Out for a stroll. Better not hold someone up who is in a huge hurry.  Everyone seems to be on the phone and bumping into one another is a constant. Umbrellas need to be held high so you don’t poke someone in the eye. A few simple rules to alleviate some of the city anger.

The film Grumpy Old Men proved the older the grumpier. I would like not to fall into that group. Vintage mellow sounds better to me.

I feel like a tourist in my own city because of the love I have for the city I live in. I was thinking of when I feel anger.  When I hold the door opened for a mom and her carriage or anyone for that matter, and I never hear thank you. Within five seconds I say “You’re welcome.” in a rather annoyed way. I would also never tolerate witnessing anyone abusive to a child or animal.

So much for vintage and mellow. Rather normal I would say!!!!

How The Elevator Became My Mood Elevator

Three of us enter the elevator in the lobby of my building. We have seen each other before, and have a New York kind of nodding and faint smiling relationship. I press 2 because I walk the  stairs to 4. They press 8. In a matter of seconds this was our encounter.

Woman in her 40’s looks at my Gucci handbag. “Vintage?” she asks. “Yes like me” I answered.

Her significant boyfriend. said “Well you both look great.”

Me smiling as I exit. “Thank you and enjoy your evening.”

Conclusion: I like being referred to as vintage, rather than senior, golden years, elderly, or just plain old. Vintage has an edge and can be quite valuable.

New Yorker’s unfriendly? Hardly……

Happy Happy Story

Recently read that Dame Judi Dench found love again. Ten years after her loved husband of 30 years died.  She met her new love, conservationist David Mills, 70 and quite good-looking. Judi Dench is 80 and beautiful.  They met “through animals.” Her partner runs a British Wildlife Center. They have no plans to live together, both leading busy and independent lives.

“But he is so lovely with a great sense of humor. Now it’s absolutely wonderful, because there’s somebody who makes me laugh.” Isn’t it lovely.”

Lovely indeed. A wonder-filled story that gives me joy for her. Now, I have a milestone birthday coming up, Age Appropriate(only)  younger  man sounds most appealing, I love animals, I would love to laugh again, more …I would not need to live with someone, I’m independent and  busy, and I  believe in Hope Springs Eternal…….but I’m  not a British  Dame and no chance of having that title bestowed upon me.  I think I could pass for a dame in this country, but that doesn’t count I guess. They met in my opinion, because they were meant to met, and they were in each others path. My dear friend Edith who just passed away at 97 always told me  ” never search for a man. If it’s meant to be it will happen” Well, it happened for Dame Judi Dench.

As my About section  on my blog states….”Old memories, New hopes. Hey, you never know!!!!!!!