mother nature is a man and other observations..

That Happiness Thing

We all want happiness in our lives. Most of us want as little drama as possible, and prefer things, if good, to stay and not change. Life is all about changes and challenges, and how we handle them is  important. I have  heard that we are dealt  cards and need to deal with the cards we are given, or at least learn how to play. I can only speak from my point of view, and I love to feel the joy that comes with having family and friends who understand me, and we lovingly nurture each other.  Lately though, I have had focused on my voids. the ones I try so  so hard to understand and  resolve. Not allowing  them to define me. Then I can practice denial. Seems to work the best for me.

I have been a widow almost 11 years, living with the mantra that I had  much to be grateful for and exalt in my children,  grandchildren and friends. Ones purpose changes as  lives change. Good health can never be taken for granted. A very close friend of mine has breast cancer, and when I am with her, I am  impressed with her strength. My complaints seem to pale to what she is dealing with, always keeping our conversations very positive. I feel  she will survive this ordeal.

If you read my blogs, perhaps you know of a most recent one called Short Sad Story. We often allow others to sap a most important element in our life. Our positivity. We enable them. We empower them or the situation at the time. The secret and very difficult at times, is to take power back and give it to the one person who can make it better. Ourselves. We hear over and over again to be our own best friend. Perhaps overused, but nevertheless, so much truth within the words. You  then treat yourself with as much kindness as possible, and also anyone in your  path. Not always easy because there will be people  who think differently and are  limited in many ways. Their level of kindness, warmth, consideration, not in great working order.  I believe in karma, and you never wish anyone bad karma, because they create their own.  Their karma will come back to haunt them when they knowingly hurt another person. Your happiness doesn’t depend on their unhappiness. Many of these people must be weeded from Your Friendship Garden. The more you weed, the more  flourishing  plants fill the holes.  Some voids can rarely be filled and that is one of my points.  When my husband died, my grief was unbearable. In time, I was ready for a new love. That has never happened. Not even close. Not a whiner at all.  Living  in a city with so much  energy, family and friends near by can be exciting……but the buts sometimes prevail…. I think I read over 700 thousand single women. The best and worst place for a single woman unless perhaps in your 20’s or early 30’s.

I know I will have many women  disagree with me, but I sincerely think that living and being alone is abnormal. We all have different needs,and not all women, have or have had great passion in their lives. The absolute joy in knowing the feeling of fantastic chemistry and attraction. Being in love with someone who loves you back The closeness, absolute. So fulfilling……and the feeling of happiness is all-consuming, taking away emotional pain. A contributor to your well-being.  When that emotion is missing and realistically, no matter how positive or how much magical thinking you do, the truth is there. I could be alone the rest of my life. Not necessarily lonely, but very much alone. It is a daunting thought. Something you make a peace treaty with.  For ego, I could count the many men who wanted more than I did. I hardly went out on a date more than twice, so a relationship not possible. I admit that I do have high standards and did when I was 15. I met my husband when I was 17 and married at 20. There could never be anyone like him. I am smart enough to know you don’t replace a great soul connected love, but you can have another love that can be wonderful. I  never did. Not even close.  At my age, chemistry and attraction are just as important as they were when I was a teenager. If that element is missing, I couldn’t even begin. That has not happened, but had some kind of experience  in Short Sad Story……although that would have surely been a short-term state of craze, seemed like a good idea at the time thing.  My happiness cannot totally  come from another person because it can be taken away one way or another. Thus the statement “be your own best friend” isn’t as banal as it sounds. It’s wisdom and truth. I happen to have a therapist 24/7.  Me…..and much needed because I am always working on this person. It’s ok to feel the voids and sadness and disappointments , I call them pity parties, but you can never stay too long at the party. If you  emotionally make a list of all that makes you happy, and what makes you unhappy, your grateful side, hopefully wins. The battle with yourself is lifelong to be the best you can be and not let the letdown of others constantly let you down. Happiness is so illusive…….grateful is everlasting.

“Love is, above all, the gift of one’s self.” Jean Anouilh

Being Single is Not Easy, Especially When It’s Not Your First Choice

New York City is not the place to be a single woman. It makes no difference how old you are. I have spoken over the years to hundreds of women, and the tragedy seems to be the women who really want to get married and have children.  Your thirties to forties goes very quickly and then what? I am not one to complain since I had a long wonderful marriage, and when I became a widow, dating was not an option. I went out, but rarely if ever went on a second date. My choice, so my ego was in tact. If I had a daughter in her thirties I would advise her to move. It seems many couples meet in college and marry in their twenties. Then you have the guys who literally are in a candy store and not that interested in settling down until their forties. ………who do they choose, women in their twenties ,

and  where does that leave the ones in their thirties. When I lived in New Jersey, I had a friend who worked in the city. She periodically asked me if I knew any men to fix up women in her office  who were having problems finding guys. On line dating sites and now Tinder and Stitch are offering even more choices, but are there as many men on these sites as women? Are women a drug on the market? I believe Joan Rivers said that a woman in her forties is finished, and a man who can drive and has money in his 90’s is a catch or something like that. For many women in their sixties and over, they have told me they have given up even trying. The demographics for them would be men much older than they are interested in. It’s not easy and definitely not getting easier. What has become a choice is motherhood.  If a woman wants a child, she can have one without being married. That was not a choice years ago. Progress was made. I spoke recently with women in their 20’s and  socially they haven’t made so many strides. If they go out on a date or two, they want the guy to call them for another date. They are reluctant to be the one to call……and when it comes to marriage? Who is the one who makes that decision?

I will never do anything that would demoralize me. Going to specific single events is not something I do, something like a meat market and I am a vegan. Very unappealing and the bar scene or club scene would be worse. I just don’t go. I was though recently intrigued with a speed dating evening for 60+. That took place last night and I need to process the experience before I actually blog about it. I will give one hint. It was a disaster. More to come.