mother nature is a man and other observations..

Another snow storm. Another cancellation. Had tickets with my friend to see Constellations. Dinner first at Joe Allen’s…Same story last month. Same show, same snow. Now we will enjoy the show  next week. Too dangerous to go out because of the freeze and ice. Spent yesterday at MOMA experiencing and enjoying the Bjork show. So many thousands of women live alone in NYC, and we are all faced with the same problem. If not working full-time, how do you fill your time. I did community service for over 50 years in New Jersey. The police department in NYC doesn’t have a walk in for domestic violence victims that a crisis team handles. It is handled by police people. I tried to volunteer in many places, but either too far to travel for what I wanted to do, or hospital service, and I didn’t want to work in a hospital. The first year after my husband died, my service was to me, to figure out how and if I wanted to live again. I couldn’t do what I wanted to, because of my children and grandchildren. Not exactly a positive legacy to leave. I re-created myself, and I must say not only am I proud, but I know my husband would be beaming.

So a lazy day at home. Productive since I don’t stay in bed or cry all day at a pity party. I do believe in pity parties, but just can’t stay too long. Five minutes and leave. I wonder what all the lonely women do in their apartments all day and night. Some are lonely. I try not to use that word. It makes me feel lonely. I’m alone but  take in all the creative energy of the city. Forever grateful for treasured family and friends.  Fortunate to be able to go  to concerts, jazz, movies, theater, museums, etc. Have friends who are more than willing to enjoy the benefits of living in the city.  Cooking and baking are foreign  terms used in my former life, before I ran away from New Jersey. My new theory is…”if someone can make it better, let them.” I cook oatmeal, veggies, and occasionally cold water wild fish. A can of sardines is sometimes a healthy alternative. As long as I have nuts, hummus,, salad and fruit, I’m set.  But, I’m talking about a long snowy day. Since I write a great deal, reading books has  become part of my past life. When my husband died, my concentration went  as far as People Magazine. I do read the New York Times. I find depressing news way too depressing to read. Most of the news is frustrating as well.  I feel I was sent to the wrong planet. A place sadly, where violence and hatred seem to  thrive. My planet is one of peace, love and kindness. Maybe Avatar?  I enjoy Twitter and have many connections in The Lovely Land of Twitter.  Facebook and write for three blogs. But my pain is  there and will never go away.   Sometimes it becomes overwhelming and I know  what to do. My husband and I danced at least once a week alone in our home. Always to Louis Armstrong, or jitterbug to his  favorite big bands ,the sounds of Glenn Miller, Tommy Dorsey, Benny Goodman, and my favorites Rod Stewart and Charles Aznavour.   Not  looking for self-torture, so I rarely play  anymore…….On this very snowy dreary day, just didn’t feel like  going  to the gym. Instead I put  on Pure Disco…..set the timer for 25 minutes and danced with pure joy, no inhibitions making the moves even more aerobic, and smiling all the time, in my own fantasy land with magical thinking on the side.

So what I did  on yet another snowy day?  Not drink the pain away, not eat the pain away, and not drug the pain away. I danced the pain away……and as I always think, I’m OK.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!