Still a dreamer…Old Memories and New Hopes

That’s Life…It is what it is and it is what it isn’t….

December 20, 2013

Perhaps it has to do with the holidays, perhaps it has to do with being alone, perhaps it has to do with the end of something, perhaps it has to do with no new beginnings in sight. Who knows what really causes one to feel down. I hesitate to use the word depressed, because it is so overused. TV commercials galore boasting of this pill or that pill to lift your depression. My brother has been a psychiatrist for over 50 years and he has always said that there are no happy pills, and most suffer from what they consider to be an unhappy life, or the inability to deal with life, and there are no pills for that ailment. What they are? Mood elevators, as he put it “life still sucks, but you can deal with it.” I have chosen another road when feeling down or sad. I chant, go down the good stuff list, get out and about. But, then again there are those times that you just have to let it in and hope for a quick exit.

Sadness arrives, and if your emotional tools kick in… it passes. I know women who are alone, and prefer it to the unhappy marriages they had. One woman, when I was on a hotline, told me she was more alone when she was married. Everyone suffers occasionally I am sure from feeling low, no matter how long your grateful list is. For me, when I am down, the one void on my not so grateful list overtakes all the good stuff, and then I have to reign it all in, and work on myself. I never chose therapy. My family and friends as I have said so many times before, are my emotional transfusions..Most of the time I don’t bother my children because I have friends who feel exactly the same way, and we relate to one another, talk about it, cry about it, and then magically, but not really magic but hard work, it leaves. It lifts and the sun comes out again. I don’t numb myself with many pills or alcohol because I’m afraid of overusing. Not one to judge what works as long as it’s positive. Not against a little Xanax to sleep . So would a new love make everything all better. Sure, I would be happier to have another soul mate, but even though I still have hope, I don’t obsess about it. I need to live the life I have and relish in the things I have. We can never ever take good health for granted. So good health, thankfully, nourishing family and friends, and living in, for me, the best city in the world. So now you have it, I started this post in a funk and already feel better. A friend wants me to audition to do a one woman act and sent me the information. I have to decide by January 3, and one minute I think “why not, if not now when?”
…and then I think “have you lost your mind?” I haven’t decided, just thinking about what material I would do. 35 years ago Jack Rollins wanted to sign a woman comic, and a writer I was working with at the time on material, wanted to do it. She was the one who got us the meeting. I was in my early 40’s and didn’t think I wanted to be a stand up comic. My jobs at the time…. wife, mother and volunteering. We went to the Jane Street Cafe since that was where we were going to perform. It never happened because I wasn’t going to take a risk. Mr. Rollins soon signed Paula Poundstone. He was a gentle man and a gentleman with great class and kindness. In every Woody Allen film, he is listed as Executive Producer. He is about 98. I have no regrets about that decision, but this new opportunity? Maybe I would have regrets for not trying, and there are no guarantees I would be chosen. One has to audition, and you have to be over 40. That is one requirement I can say with certainty I fit in. So whoever took the time to read , I would like the message to be life affirming. .Not about sadness, but about living in the moment with joy. I wish all a Healthy Happy New Year and may 2014 be filled with joys galore….and some dreams actually coming true.

Category:

changes, feelings

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Merry?…..2013 and now 2014 Update….

December 17, 2013

The holidays, any holiday, but there are holidays, and then there is a holiday season. The holiday season is what I’m addressing. It’s that time of year, when applying behavior modification has to be very strong. By that I mean, think only of what I am grateful for, and not my voids. Controlling your thoughts may be one of the most difficult emotional tasks. It can be done, but requires work and energy. A favorite quote of mine is from the teachings of Nichiren Daishonin… “One should become the master of one’s mind rather than let one’s mind master him.” The words certainly seem easy enough, putting them into action, not so easy..The investment of effort brings positive results. First I try not to go back into my other life when the holiday season was full of joy and excitement. Festivities galore, topping it all off with a very formal New Years Eve. The ultimate joy of being with someone I loved and who loved me back. My husband. I am not going into all the details, because then I will be stuck in a time warp. Dwelling and longing for the past is not healthy for me and I love this Russian Proverb. “Longing for the past is like chasing after the wind.” Memories are lovely, but the longing can become obsessive and that I what I am trying to avoid. A wonderful happy life affirming event will be happening soon in my life. A dear niece of mine and her husband are about to give birth to their first child within a week or two, a most joyous occasion. Christmas with my family will be lovely, and a fun grab bag dinner with two special friends, and if weather permits, a New Years early supper with a friend who is exactly on my spiritual level, and we have some very interesting conversations. So, my holidays will be about family and friends, and if I get down, poignant words are never far from my mind. A Wally Lamb quote. ” I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet.” So one and all, I wish Happy Holidays and all good wishes for the New Year. Merry? Merry!!!!     A wonderful new addition to the family and on Dec. 31 the new little girl will be one. She has brought such joy to her family. Happy 2015 and may the New Year be filled with many joys for all.

Category:

feelings

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Apolitical

December 9, 2013

I define myself as apolitical. Very little understanding of politics and politicians. A recent article in the New York Times echo’s my feelings and I quote from David Brooks, The Stem And The Flower. ……………………………” In an act of amazing Public Service, I have not written a column in three weeks. In the course of that time, I’ve stepped back from politics, a bit, and thought about other things. That naturally raises the question: How much emotional and psychic space should politics take up in a normal healthy brain?” He goes on to say, “If you live in a functioning society, you can say politicians are just a bunch of crooks. But if you live in a place without rule of law, where a walk down a nighttime street can be terrifying, where tribalism leads to murder, you know that politics is a vital concern.” I’m not going to re-write the entire article and will end with his last paragraph. If interested in reading, you can google the article in its entirety. ” I figure that unless you are in the business of politics, covering it or columnizing about it, politics should take up maybe a tenth corner of a good citizen’s mind. The rest should be philosophy, friendship, romance, family, culture, and fun. I wish our talk show culture reflected that balance, and that the emotional register around politics were more in keeping with its low but steady nature.” Thank you David Brooks, I can now be totally apolitical, without guilt.

Category:

observations

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To Be Aware /To Be Careful

December 6, 2013

Turns out, it seemed like a good idea at the time—–wasn’t…..I have several teenagers as Facebook friends and hundreds on Twitter. I recently read, and you can google for more information, that more and more college admissions officers are checking applicants Facebook, Twitter, and other social media pages.

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observations

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Live In The Moment! Holiday Thoughts 2014/15

December 5, 2013

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.” Lao Tzu

Holiday time , and once again looking forward to spending precious time with  family and friends. Over the years, I have noticed , many have fewer friends and  family to share this special time with. It saddens me to observe, and makes me forever grateful to have the treasured people in my life, that I value heart and soul. Difficult to express  when it runs  so deeply. Just returned from almost a month visiting my brother and  family in Virginia. My “sister” his wife, makes me feel  loved and cared for,  there are  no words to fully describe. I don’t want to gush because it would embarrass, but  she knows how much I dearly love and  appreciate her being in my life. My visit  is like being at a spa where the food is  nutritious, delicious, and homemade.  The night I returned to my home  ,quickly called the little cafe across the street and ordered take out. WHAT a difference. I posted pictures of my greeting when I arrived. Beautiful flowers and  goodies I relish. Everyday was special  with lovely memories.   My niece and her two daughters, my GREAT grandnieces, whom I adore,  give me overwhelming joy with their love. . The entire family radiates good feelings,  and makes me realize how easy family can be when it works. Volunteering on a hotline called Women In Self Help many years ago, taught me that family can be most destructive. The people you so need in your life to love and understand you are just not there. I  had such an issue many years ago, and have put it  where it belongs,  In the past. Living in the moment works best for me.  I have too many people in my life who “get me” to dwell on that which is negative. My wonderful husbands niece, since his untimely death ten years, has called me everyday. Another emotional jewel to treasure.

So for this holiday season, I reflect and give thanks to all  that make my life so full. My sons, my “daughter” my granddaughter and my two grandsons. My Virgina joys…. The rest of my family and friends of so many years, and new friends that are not really new. My belief…..  people are in your path for reasons……forever long friendships, or experiences that teach and turn into life’s lessons.

As 2014 comes to a close, I wish all , including mothernatureisaman and Twitter followers, all that you wish for yourselves, and if I can give just a few words of wisdom. Your health is the most important aspect of your life. Take care of yourselves by eating nutritionally, exercise, and get to really know and love yourself. To be your own best friend may sound banal, but it’s one of the most important relationships you will have. The only one that is 100% everlasting.   Having the capacity to love and be loved is essential, and be forever grateful for all in your world who know the meaning of  those words.

2015 May it be a year filled with joys!!!!!!!!!

Category:

feelings

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The Beauty of Age

December 1, 2013

New York Times today, December 1st, has a small blurb written by Sarah Moroz, about the British fashion photographer Tim Walker. He has a new project called “The Granny Alphabet.” A collection of pictures of grandmothers. some of his first models were his 80-year old neighbors. The book is meant for children and the models are dressed in a whimsical way and paired with the letters of the alphabet. “There is beauty and elegance in age that isn’t celebrated enough,” Mr.Walker said……In my opinion a major understatement, especially in this country where the “older woman” is just an old woman. So as I said once before, you can either become old and older or old and interesting. Given the choice, I choose interesting!!

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quotes

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Thanksgiving

November 28, 2013

A day to reflect, give thanks, and eat to your hearts content.

Category:

observations

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My Non Fifteen Minutes of Fame

November 21, 2013

Many years ago I wrote to Linda Wells, editor- in-chief Allure Magazine. In “those days” they had the usual what do women wear, or whatever at a certain age. 20’s 30’s 40’s….and then it seemed the rest of the women drop off the earth. Obviously demographically undesirable. At the time I knew women in their 60’s to 90’s who were driving, playing golf, actively looking for “gentlemen” and quite interesting and beautiful. So, I wrote a letter, no email then and suggested she might stretch the hints and tips from women older than 40. I said I would be interested in skin creams etc, foods, and secrets they might share. She wrote me back a lovely letter, and said she would pass on to a senior editor. I never heard, but Vogue several months later did an issue that went up to 60. I could literally go down a list of fabulous beautiful sexy woman in their 60’s to 90’s…but sure you all have your own favorites. Do we not really matter anymore? Why in Europe are women of all ages respected and admired. I met one unforgettable fantastic woman in a French cafe waiting for her lunch date. Her English was halting, but she was able to tell me her scent that was fabulous. It was Sublime, sadly not Made in France anymore. When her lunch date arrived, he was about 50 and he whispered to us that we were in the company of Madame…..and unfortunately I don’t remember her name. He said she was 93 and a legend in Paris. Oh why didn’t I write down her name instead of just jotting Sublime. To get to the point of this post. I have written to The View, Joy Behar, Katie Couric, and Bethenny Frankel,not to have me on the show, but to have women of all ages talking about interesting topics including themselves. Barbara Walters is about 84, and rarely has anyone of her generation on the show. When Joy left, so did I. If you notice, when late night has much older women as guests, it may be a 87-year-old with a 28-year-old boyfriend, or learning the hula hoop or now the twerk. Well, miracles happen. I heard from a producer from the Bethenny Frankel show. Just a guess, but I thought she might be under 25 and said she enjoyed talking to me. I sounded funny. Could I be on the show Friday. This was on a Wednesday. Before I could ask what the topic of discussion would be since I never read the “grey” book, she said it was going to be a great show. If I could come on with my daughter or daughter in law and granddaughter, it would be a three generation makeover. That immediately did not appeal to me at all. I am not interested in a makeover. I very much like my hair style, my not too much makeup, and overall way of dressing, and I could only imagine what the before would look like. Very easily with bad lighting or just in the morning, I could pass for 96. Not interested in showing myself in the worst way on national television. This is a secret I am keeping from my granddaughter since she would probably have loved the experience. I was gracious, and said no thank you, but if they would ever like me to discuss what it is like being single in NYC at 78, I would be happy to be in on that discussion. Or volunteering in women’s issues and some of the experiences I had with women to frightened to stay and more frightened to leave, or the process of writing a book with a co-author and then trying to get a publisher or agent….so many topics to discuss, so little interest I guess. She ended the conversation with “oh my boss is calling, I need to call you back.” So did you hear from her??? Ummmmm now I wonder if I would look better with red curly hair instead of blond straight hair, false eyelashes instead mascara free, foundation, instead of tinted moisturizer. Very proper clothes instead of creative dress…….. Oh well, I’ll never know.

Category:

changes

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So much easier when you get on the right plane.

So now to my return to JFK from West Palm Beach, not Tampa. Left at 8pm and surprisingly easy to find the correct gate since it does have your destination printed in rather large letters. I swear on a stack of dark chocolate bars that I didn’t see Tampa. Not sure I saw anything. I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble, but I felt I had to report the situation that happened. I spoke to a supervisor at West Palm Beach and she said I was being too hard on myself when I referred to myself as a nitwit. I did wonder why my boarding pass didn’t go through the scan three times. Certainly a bit of a hint something was not right. That was when the woman who was training the one who took my pass, took it from her, and just ripped off the portion they needed. The supervisor said that is something that is never done and anyone in training is told if a boarding pass doesn’t scan, check it over. So some of the foolishness on my part was eased a bit by knowing it was a major mistake. It is also a very costly mistake to the airlines. Hopefully a bill from Jet blue for bringing the aircraft back to the terminal will not be arriving in my mailbox. Such a great feeling boarding the flight to JFK and feeling a little smug when I heard weather conditions and flying time to NYC. The Tampa experience was not going to be a recurring flight pattern for me.

Category:

observations

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Have Not

November 19, 2013

I do try to be grateful for all I have, but I don’t have you. I have your energy, your love, memories of you, but I don’t have you.I have your pictures at home, and when I travel, I take a picture of you with me. I have your smile, but I don’t have you.Emotionally and spiritually I have you. Physically, I don’t have you. When I think about you, I am comforted, but I don’t have you. I still cry, but I can’t let my thoughts of missing you overwhelm me. My life would stop. I must be ever thankful for what I have…..but I don’t have you.

Category:

feelings

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