Favorite Quotes Part 1
Martin Grey: ” The Secret of Life is the Power of Hope.”
Albert Einstein:”Imagination is more important than knowledge.
John Keats: “Heard melodies are sweet, those unheard are sweeter.”
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Archive for April, 2013
Sweet Sights
I’m really ok now, moving forward for almost 9 years….but……when I see couples in their 80’s and older strolling hand in hand, the chiffon covering the pain, ever so gently sways and it hurts. But, I walk by smiling at them, and I’m ok.
Whatever Happened to Rob?
Once upon a time, I was fixed up on a blind date. The fixer upper was a former match maker in New Jersey, who gave up the “profession” because it was too stressful..perhaps one man for every 30 or more women might have hastened her departure from the search. I never went to any of her events. She called me about 8 months after I became a widow. The first date wanted to marry me on the spot, and said he would even wait 2 years for me to be “ready.” At best, that would have been a difficult engagement, since I wasn’t going to go out with him again. I sensed he was very controlling. I was 70 at the time and considered myself to be somewhat a finished product. Could always use a little tweaking of course. I would have embarked on a better appreciation of Wagner’s five hour opera’s, if I met a man who excelled in that activity. But, this guy told me he was going to teach me to play tennis, his first love, and skiing, his second. He was imagining my lessons,and I was imagining being in the hospital with everything that could be broke…broken..My ego though, was in tact.
So then, she called about Rob. She said he was very nice and dressed great. She told him lovely things about me, and he called that morning. She was kind enough to think of me, and he was intrigued enough to make the drive from New Jersey.
He was very nice, and wearing khaki pants, white oxford shirt under a black cashmere sweater worked for me. He was a man of few words and felt I had to carry the conversation, but didn’t need it to be a camp trunk. Chatting too much, and being nervous is not a good combination. Talking so much, I was bound to say something stupid, and I didn’t disappoint.
We somehow started to talk about our being without spouses. I asked if his marriage had been a romantic one. Patty the Millionaire Matchmaker would have cringed at my question. He answered,”not like yours was.”
And then awkward silence for the next two hours, Just an occasional smile and weather related issues. It was a delightful sunny day, but how many different ways can you describe the climate and for how long?
The next day, I asked my friend what Rob thought of me, having more than a slight feeling, it didn’t go very well. He said “you were a NO.”…and then she added, “but don’t take it personally.” A classic oxymoron????
He was one I would have tried going out with again. Guess a NO is a NO is a NO, and I was a definite NO…never heard from Rob again. Oh well…………………………….
Quote
My Quote ..almo…
My Quote ..almost 40 years ago
I was an unwilling member of a Golf Country Club in New Jersey. My husband wanted to play golf and starting times were important. I played with him and occasionally some friends, but never on Tuesdays and Thursdays designated as “ladies golf.” It could be quite competitive and that I wasn’t. I had many varied experiences with different people at the club and came to the conclusion quickly that “class comes from the heart, not the wallet.”
I Wish I Were A Lesbian (article originally published in 2006 New York Woman)
I had an extraordinary husband and marriage of almost 50 years..Alone at 71 is not what I imagined. My husband and I were going to grow old together. Old today meaning in our 90’s. Widow is not a label I wear with pride. There are advantages to being a senior. They come with a price. Using my metro card now becomes an emotional experience. First the sound resounds throughout the bus and if that’s not clear enough, a flashing green sign lights up and flashes “old person has just entered bus”. How I long to be flashed the color of adult, a lovely red, but I seem to be beyond adult. Recently Oprah was accused of possibly being a lesbian with her best friend Gayle King. Why??? Because they seem to do everything and enjoy their time together to the fullest. Well now, since I’m not part of a couple anymore, and not being religious, joining a convent is out of the question. I seem to surround myself with interesting, nourishing, intelligent and sensational women friends who provide every emotional need. We talk about everything, we laugh together, we cry together, and there is not a single cultural event we can’t enjoy together..but do we complete one another? No.. Having tried about 5 internet dating sites for a project on widow/widowers, and also to seek another soul mate, I realized this is not a venue that suits me. I was immediately taken back to being 15 when dating was as daunting, though easier, than now. I met my husband at 17..Recently I woke up one morning and I had become a 71 year old virgin. If I was 100% whole when I was married, then over 50% died so suddenly that September morning. I had to reinvent myself, knowing New Jersey, and the life I had was gone. Many friends couldn’t handle my grief and I couldn’t handle their limited depth levels..but like any Garden of Love, you must remove the toxic plants to make way for the new and beautiful ones, and then others you just don’t fertilize, and they die on their own..no major arguments, just letting some acquaintances go into the universe, and practicing Nichiren Daishonin’s Buddhism, I found for everyone I let go off, twice that came into my life, enriching it beyond expectations. In my grief, I found the simple act of breathing too painful in all familiar places. We did everything together and completed one another. I was not a Stepford Wife, but a woman who loved being married and felt safe when I heard my husband at the door. Grief became my shadow. I left all behind,moving to New York City. Grief followed, but it was easier to cope with in a city so full of family, friends, and creative energy. My dating experiences were all one afternoon stands. Great for my ego for five minutes. The first man wanted to marry me and the others wanted to take me away. It seems, the new way of thinking for many of these men, all in their 70’s, was first sex, then get to know one another. In my mind, I was thinking, first courtship, then more courtship, a little more courtship, and when in a committed relationship, a first time in Paris sounded good to me.. All these dates were somewhat difficult since I never wanted to see the men a second time, so their offers were never taken seriously. I met a young woman ,on a bus when we both had a very unpleasant experience with a wild man yelling at everyone. When we got off at the same stop, she told me her Mom was widowed 12 years ago and has since become a very successful sculptress. She wanted us to meet. We did, having a lovely lunch together and then this very straight woman laughed at loud and said, “How I wish I was a lesbian because all the women, and you are no exception, are so terrific.. I laughed too, because every new woman friend I have met in NYC has been a new treasure, and so with a smile on my face, I say the same words, ” I wish I were a lesbian.”…but the reality is, I thought I would never live without my husband, and in order to move forward, I would have to find another love. What I found out was that women friends can be an emotional blood transfusion for a lifetime…
Another Not So Memorable “gift” from the internet
Everyone told me not to tell the truth about my age when I first tried the internet. I originally went on the dating sites as a 99 old widow from New York, just to get some material for a chapter in a book being written at the time. Of course no man ,unless he had a great sense of humor, contacted me. For the first time, I was somewhat in charge of the social situation. For all the many strides women have made in the world, socially not so much has changed since 1952. We still have to wait for “the call backs.”…unless of course you’re young and hooking up. At my age hooking up denotes tubes and fluids being fed to you. So I went on checking to see if any widowers grieved the way women do.There is a saying that women grieve and men replace. Not judging at all, just observing that when I lived in New Jersey, four months tops, perhaps a month, to “get on with it.”…the “it” seemed to help their grief move along as well. Again, even if women had the desire, their choices were limited at best…..Lo and behold, my faith was restored when widowers from Alaska to Wyoming answered my email question. When did you want to live, love, and laugh again? I wasn’t dating them, just questioning and received hundreds of emails back. One young man 55,said it had taken him four years to even think about dating, he had such a romantic marriage, once again validating my observation that it is the relationship one is grieving for. Certainly, a new relationship helps tremendously. Also many of the men were over 70 and who knows, so why not??? One woman I knew became a widow, and wanted to be a couple again. She really worked at finding someone. It paid off, since she has remarried ,and is very happy. Unfortunately she told me that she didn’t have a support system of women friends when her husband died, and the void made it more difficult for her to be without a spouse.
My quest was done more with humor then really thinking I was going to find Prince Charming on line, or forget the prince, a great guy, realistically, “a companion.” Actually, I don’t want a companion. I have alot of wonderful women companions, I’m not interested in “that” without “that other part, hopefully in working order.
So I went on about five years ago and lied about my age by five years. I checked out the guy I was meeting on People Search for free, and he lied by 15 years. I immediately told him my correct age when we met,and he never budged from his number. It was hilarious because he looked so much older and wanted me to believe he was alot younger than I was. Anyway, when we left after having a drink, he asked if I was interested in a relationship. A RELATIONSHIP!!! I hardly spoke to him, had nothing in common, and he had such white dazzling teeth that I would need to wear sunglasses, even at night to subdue the glare. He said he had a feeling we could make it together. Make what together I thought. I tried to be pleasant and said I had the feeling we really wouldn’t. He told me the offer would always be on the table. I never bothered to figure out where the table was. Oh well.
Aside
He Turned Out To Be A Lunatic
On line dating, hunting, fishing, and camping have never been high priorities on my bucket list…but after a glass of wine ,and a particularly lonely, long, dreary evening, It seems easier to believe in miracles ,and make the choice of going on just one more time. I go through the profiles like a deck of cards, all containing jokers. The best are the men who pose without their shirts, proudly along side a truck, and I imagine they think it’s some sort of turn on. Somehow, I have never been turned on by a truck. The other I won’t bother to comment…think you get the picture. The why not excuses, are what I use in going on ,yet for another try??? It seems like a good idea at the time……… but those decisions usually become, what was I thinking? There are some miracle stories that I have heard and read in the New York Times wedding news. Unfortunately none of my friends have met anyone on the venue, including me, but at least I have tried….and then sorry I did. On paper, the guy sounded good. Psychiatric counselor with credentials. He told me to google him and I did. I was slightly impressed by his writing. First major mistake was not following my own rules….. number one is a coffee or drink at the most…never ever dinner…too long for a quick getaway. May I add, I don’t need to eat at some place with Zagat stars… I’m a vegetarian and get along very well with little food. A punishment would be some very high price fixed dinner with many courses. So that out of the way, I do like places that have integrity So the “doctor” and I met, and my first impression was give it a little time, although I was ready to leave upon entering the restaurant, where they were mopping the floors and table tops with windex at 6pm…really now!!! We sat down ,and within a few seconds he takes out his coupon and gives to the waiter. Discreet not…By this time I knew wine wouldn’t do it for me, so ordered a Jack Daniels and a small plate of avacado and veggies. No entree….”No entree” the doctor said…”Well I’m going to have yours wrapped up. You’re entitled to have one, so I might as well take it.” I was thinking he would then tell me that there is a homeless person he will give it to on his way home. No No…he was taking it to his home. I forgot to add that we had a tiny table for two and there were three tables surrounding us. He then, out of nowhere, went into a vulgar and vile tirade about his ex girlfriend. I looked like a deer caught in the headlights, because the couple next to us were listening, and unless I could pole vault over their table, I was stuck. This guy became a lunatic and the only way he stopped was when he got some urgent text, probably from his ex, and asked for the check immediately. At first I thought I was on Prime Time, What Would You Do, but realized the vulgarity would have never been allowed. When the check arrived, it was my get out of jail free card, on the table. I was saved, and the couple next to our table immediately got up, feeling my urgency to get out. Did I say that I will never ever go on the internet again to find Mr. Right? He’s not there.
I still believe in miracles…
Mother Nature Did Something Right
Is it just me, or are women so much easier to meet? Terrific, wonderful, interesting, kind, and I could go on and on, making their emotional dents in our souls. I’m not saying all women, just the ones that share the same wave length. So easy to relate and interact with each other. . Not going into my astrology post just yet, but astrological aspects are loud and clear, when someone is put on our spiritual path and then in person. When you actually meet, it’s as though you are meeting someone you have known forever. Men not so much, unless you are one of the lucky ones to meet your soul mate. For me the greatest joy in life is being in love with a man who loves you back. If that never happens, loving yourself isn’t a bad idea.
mother nature is a man and other observations.. 
Written
on April 3, 2013