mother nature is a man and other observations..

Rainy day lament….feelings

As I write this, I am  thinking of not publishing…..but then again, I think, why not talk about feelings, when they are so much a part of who I am, and others who have no problem talking about theirs.  I do know after talking to women and men , that many keep feelings inside,and find it annoying and difficult to bring up anything that resembles emotion. I just loved the line in Silver Linings Playbook, one of my favorite films, when the words “do you feel that?” were asked the male lead Pat, and Tiffany said, “that’s emotion.”   I  went to a therapist once, who told me  I was the most romantic woman she  ever met,  I never forgot her words.  Self therapy works better for me.

Whatever works, as long as it’s not negative, and hopefully with positive results, I would never judge. We need to be emotionally balanced.  The price I pay for the sensuality and sensitivity gene, is high, and if there are any believers out there, I’m a Taurus with a Pisces Moon, and ruled by Venus. For you, I don’t have to say anything else… I’ve had astrologers and I don’t go very often, look at me, shake their heads and say, what joy you can feel…and then!!!!! Not whining, since not allowed in my karma, I have experienced such grateful joys that are beyond verbal description, and I do live for future ones as well. I have so many single friends, but only maybe one or two, can I ever talk about yearnings and unfulfilled desires, the unspoken words of “women of a certain age” Although more and more are coming out…A few recently, Barbara Walters who was quoted as wanting to marry again, Martha Stewart going on a dating site to find someone to wake up with, Debbie Reynolds who wishes she had more “experiences” and Jane Fonda in a love relationship at over 75..  My loving sons find it difficult to separate the woman from the mom, and understandable.  I so enjoyed when Anderson Cooper spoke of his mom’s tell all book when she was in her 80’s…he laughed and said he loved and accepted her, even though he was quite embarrassed by some of her stories. So, what’s the point of all this? I guess after almost 9 years of being without my husband,and no new loves in my life, I just have to keep on believing that there is someone out there who is looking for me as much as I am for him…not searching ,   a heavy  word for me that doesn’t fit… Just the one who will be put in my path. This is a quote I read from an unknown source…”Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” …and I know the sun will come out…… soon.

Easy fix

So many years ago, my husband and I would go for dinner with friends…sometimes up to four couples. Social noise enveloping the evening most of the time.
Drama began when the check arrived, the men waiting with their cards in hand to split the check……one friend who owned his own business, would literally dive for the check, seriously, sometimes spilling the left over wine, in his quest.
“Oh, I’ll just put it on my card, and you guys can give me the cash.” Glancing at his charge card, I noticed, and he noticed that I noticed, it was his business charge. I shall call him Roger (not even close)…He quickly said “hey it’s my business and I pay the bills.” My husband and our friends would never be described as stingy in any way, but this was always an annoyance to us. I wondered if the IRS knew of these periodic cash dividends being given….Roger and Leslie went out at least five times a week. You do the math. He was fortunate never to be found out.
Fast forward to now. Alone and paying my own bills……………..I went for dinner with a friend and her friend. A mistake in the making, because I had eaten a late lunch, and wasn’t hungry, but my friend asked me to please join them. So the friend of my friend starts off ordering two drinks, and in New York, that alone, can be $40. Then the tasting menu,and that was $80, and yet another glass of wine. The house wine was lovely and that is what I ordered,and no food. Her wine was about $18 and mine was $11. The bill arrives and the gourmand said “why don’t we just split it? So much easier.”
I almost choked on my last sip of wine. “Oh, I don’t think so. I wouldn’t expect you to pay for my dinner anymore then I’m willing to split.” I was smiling and did say it in a gentle, but firm tone. “Here’s $17.00 and that should take care of tip and tax. I was more than generous. Needless to say, I never wanted to have another dining experience with her.
I have noticed over the years, my eating habits have really changed. I have been a vegetarian for over thirty-five years, and always preferred appetizers. I do enjoy a glass of wine, but huge portions, both size and price, really turn me off, as much as sharing a check with major differences. I enjoy the small plates many restaurants now offer.
The word empower, has never been so empowering, since I learned how to say “separate checks please.”

A Moment of Weakness

Over the years, I have certainly made phone calls that would have been better off not dialed..whether anger, a moment of weakness, or the glass of wine contributing to the weak moment. I have my own remedy. I do the physical part of picking up the phone, and I say what I feel…everything…I hold absolutely nothing back. A geyser of feelings cascading out. One big difference…I don’t dial.

TV…my friend

I am a bit wary of anything connected to a plug, no matter how necessary. Never taking people for granted, I do assume the “things” in my apartment will last forever. What I miss in my apartment? My very own washing machine and dryer, and in New Jersey I had Maytag and seemed to last forever. A given in the 50’s.
TV, computer, phones, hairdryer, flat iron, vacuum cleaner—-please keep working, that’s all I ask. My television is my best friend in the apartment with the computer a strong second best. I totally panic when weird things happen with my electronic compatibility mode.
Digressing, but have you ever noticed that people who don’t own a TV feel they must share that information? I prefer, don’t watch, don’t tell! My sister in law was at a party and met a man that she described as intelligent, charming, and he doesn’t watch television. The recommendation for me, would be the same if she said, intelligent, terrific, cute, and hunts. I don’t think a match made in the universe………………Mr. Charming called me, and within five seconds into our conversation, tells me he hates television and doesn’t even own one,(redundant) and he can’t imagine people watching the idiot box. Of course, within three seconds I felt compelled to tell him I have a very close relationship with my high definition television. I neglected to mention my stuffed westies and rabbits..
“Wow, you don’t even own a TV? Guess that would make it difficult to watch anything”. For me I added, “it’s the first thing I turn on in the morning, and the last thing that goes off at night”. (actually 50% of the time I listen to jazz, on my TV.) I said Wow again, to somehow diffuse his arrogance. “Television is an integral part of my life.” He said he had another call and would get right back to me. That was five years ago.

Powerful documentary

A wonderful documentary that I just experienced…when I really love something, it becomes an experience. Stories We Tell is about love, family secrets, and truth, depending on who’s telling it. A line from the poem quoted in the film, by Pablo Neruda has stayed with me. “Love is so short, forgetting is so long.” The film is written, directed, and lived by Sarah Polley.

A Terrific Emotional Tool

Selective memory, as you get older, is just plain wonderful!!!!!

Channel Orange

Listening and experiencing the music of Frank Ocean fills you with desire, longing, and love.

Buddhist Philosophy

Addiction to a thought is seen as a major obstacle to enlightenment, because when our attention is focused on negative thought, we cannot experience reality.

New Soul/Old Soul

When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

New York City Encounter

Walking on Central Park West in the 90’s, my canine Havanese grandson had a brief relationship with a Poodle/Yorkie mix.
The conversation went like this: She said your dog is cute, what’s his name? I felt I had to say your dog is cute, and what’s his name? We exchanged dog names, not human ones.
I added that I was taking care of Lucky while my kids were away, and also my teenage granddaughter. He’s much easier.
She said, I have a 36 year old grandchild living with me and it doesn’t get any easier.
She wasn’t smiling.