I needed to be certified by the State of New Jersey to serve on a domestic violence crisis intervention team. Working closely with the local police department, I spoke often with victims of emotional and physical abuse. Taught never to judge, but to ask a question in a gentle way. A very important question. “Do you think you deserve better?” If you know anyone in a situation suffering abuse, you might want to ask them or yourself. Do you think you deserve better!
Worth blogging about…article in today’s New York Times…written by Sophie Fontanel. Sunday Review. I don’t need to comment…speaks for itself and the voice of many!
One very important tool in my life comes from something my mother told me as a little girl. “you are better than no one, and no one is better than you are.” ….”if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing.” In the 50’s being a “good little girl” was very important, and that meant up to any age. I kept the good deed until I was 40, and when my mother died several years later, I buried the good little girl with her. I loved my mother, I just didn’t want to lead her life. Shortly after her death, I took a writing course at Skidmore, and had one of the most powerful moments in my life. There were about 40 women in the class and I read a letter to my mom, that I wrote after her death. When I finished, every woman lined up to talk to me about their own experiences. I wish I could have talked to my mom woman to woman, perhaps todays young women are able to have that luxury. I still mourn for that loss….I was asked to bring a picture of myself as a child to class, look at the picture, and say the first words that came to mind..I looked at my picture and said very quickly “I wish I could have been your mother.” but…..she did do the best she could, sadly, being unfulfilled so much of her life, but I live by the positive words she left me, and that is what I choose to remember, most of the time.
Debbie Reynolds may or may not have said that she was sorry she didn’t have more experiences when she was younger…intimacy is certainly more acceptable…..but when I think at 78, about hooking up, it conjures up being in a hospital and tubes attached. Not a pretty picture. So I’ll just live in the present and not worry about all the should have’s. It serves no purpose to have regrets…and as far as the word guilt…the only thing to feel guilty about, is not feeling guilty about anything.. I once read that you have only one life long relationship, and that is with yourself. Sadly your worst enemy can often be yourself, so conquering one’s self is like winning the lottery… finally reaching the finish line,alone, and it can be exhilarating, to say the least, but it takes hard work.
I read that as women age, they can become old and older or older and more interesting. Having a choice? I would choose interesting. So Happy Monday to all my interesting friends, includes all!
Just arrived home after a delicious dinner at Candle 79…wonderful vegan restaurant. My birthday celebration with two treasured friends. One I have been close friends since we were 5 years old, you do the math, very few people know her age, and the other is my co-author and trying to get our book published. So, my friend from childhood asked if she could ask a rather personal question. I of course said yes,(two glasses of wine) and answered her before she asked the question. I said yes, of course, it’s a natural release and why not, and added the ultimate in self love….and then her question….what kind of soap do you use??? After a few laughs, we decided on our Christmas 2013 grab bag gifts…$20 and we will search for the best soaps…but realized I shared something REALLY personal. Perhaps next time, wait for the question.
Love this quote…for all women of all ages….
Coco Chanel…………………………..” a woman could be gorgeous at 20, charming at 40, and irresistible for the rest of her life.”…………………………………I’ll drink to that..CHEERS!
I became a very unwilling widow at 70…member of a club I never wanted to join..In the last eight years, I realized if Mother Nature were a woman, there would be so many more choices for women..A 70-year old man in NYC is this years Brad Pitt..a 70 year old woman is a drug on the market..Aging seems to work for men. not so much for women..How many 80 year old women have the choice of being with a younger man..Please tell me your stories. I was involved in women’s issues for over 50 years, volunteering with the police department on a crisis intervention team re: domestic violence and a rape support team at the local hospital, and manning a hotline called Women in Self Help. I am not an angry woman, by the way, but realistic in my fantasy world, the way life ought to be…Just adding that Mothernatureisaman…
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I was wondering after reading my blog, what does being out there actually mean? Maybe outrageous activities like ski jumping, or joining a group, for seniors only. Taking trips, lessons re wine making, tasting, learning about everything gluten-free even though I have no issues there, pottery classes, how to fish in a humane manner, outward bound, beyond outward bound, flying lessons, bungee jumping, hanging out at a bar, club, Penn. Station, Grand Central, all the airports, joining any and every religious group, even though I am not religious, taking tours of every area in New York City and beyond, skeet shooting, cooking classes, and any how to do anything anywhere, and what I really want to do, a one woman show. I realized especially in New York, many women of all ages go to therapists to find out how to have a relationship, and then the rest seem to go to find out how to happily live alone for the rest of their lives. Not sure about all this. If anyone has ever said to a single woman, that you have to “get out there,” please give some suggestions where “out there” is.
I have been a widow for almost 9 years. I did think I would find a second love of my life, but never realized how unrealistic and humorous that was, living in NYC. Not judging, just observing, a place where over 70-year-old men, are this years main attraction, and women of that age are a drug on the market. I would never waste time whining about my situation, because I was one of the lucky ones..Being in love with someone who loves you back, for me is sheer joy. I had a husband for almost 50 years, who was even beyond my description. Whatever is beyond wonderful, he was, and to be honest our marriage had some bumps along the road, but they smoothed out and the last 35 years were perfection. A romantic team going forward in life, but unfortunately cut short. I wanted to grow old together, I smile through pain, when I see older couples walking , holding hands. The chiffon covering my broken heart moves a bit and hurts, but I keep going forward. Everyone tells me “you have to get out there”, I actually thought I was. Enjoying jazz, Carnegie Hall, museums, galleries, theatre, films, and all the creative energy that nurtures my soul. Going to specified single events didn’t interest me, because then I would be going for the purpose of meeting someone, and that would never work for me. I met my husband at 17 and that was it. Searching has a bad vibe for me, except for my favorite all time Oscar-winning documentary Searching for Sugar Man……………I needed some material for the book I was writing with a co-author, and decided a chapter on internet dating needed to be researched. I went on in the beginning as a 99-year-old widow from New York. I wasn’t really interested in dating, just asking questions about widow/widowers. I would have dated if someone had a sense of humor that I wasn’t really 99. I put no hummers, hunters, or hairpieces please. From Alaska to Wyoming, men answered my emails, and I was so pleased to find out men grieved as much as women. I was a bit tainted, because in New Jersey, and not judging, but again just observing, most of the men gave themselves a month to four months top, and found new loves. Not so much the choices for the majority of widows, and especially when one had a romantic marriage, the grieving seemed intense. . I then went on the rest of them to find Mr. Wonderful and surprise surprise, didn’t happen. I went on with a sense of purpose, humor, and positive proactive feelings, but that didn’t matter at all. He wasn’t there. I wrote about some of the experiences, on the blog in March/April. A dear matchmaker friend from New Jersey fixed me up with a very nice guy. A bit boring, so I managed to do most of the talking and talked my way out. I was very nervous because he was the second date she fixed me up with. The first one wanted to marry me, which would have been difficult since I didn’t want to see him again, and the second one said I was a NO…The Millionaire Matchmaker would have been furious, because I asked him if he had a romantic marriage. Such a no-no on my part, but hey dating was foreign to me. To put it bluntly, I screwed up. So anyway, I think I am out there, but have decided to REALLY be out there, so if you see me on the street with a huge cardboard sign saying “I’M OUT THERE…………………………please say hi.
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mother nature is a man and other observations.. 
Written
on June 11, 2013