mother nature is a man and other observations..

Sleepless in New York

It’s 3:am amd “one of those nights.” Insomnia makes you want to go to sleep in the worst way, and sleep just doesn’t cooperate, and becomes your enemy. So what do I do? I think, and what really happens is everything that has been resolved in my life, becomes unresolved, and the demons who lurk in the darkness are tossing about as much as I am. Overthinkng becomes dangerous to peace of mind, and without discliplined thinking, your mind can take you to dark places. As I have said previously, pity parties are part of life, just don’t stay too long at the party. The grateful list vs the void list works most of the time; grateful always winning.. A good film called The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, had a poigant line spoken by Judi Dench who is a 77 year old widow, playing a 77 year old widow. She said when asked about being lonely “you get up in the morning and you do the best you can.” I have practiced Hatha Yoga for over 35 years and balance is very important, both physical and emotional. Hopefully the almonds I just ate will make me sleepy, if not a little dose of xanex when all else fails and off to sleep at 3:30…———————and just like that,a new dawn.

A Wonderful Happening

When you travel by bus, as I do in the city, conversations start up in many strange ways. The bus was crowded, and we were all quite close to each other. A woman got on soon after I did. Very simple in dress, no makeup at all… she had a kind and sweet aura that seemed to flow from her very essence.. For some reason, I was drawn to her and I couldn’t understand why until we spoke, and then I knew. We looked at each other, and I noticed once again, that even her skin glowed, and her eyes twinkled when she smiled. No words were exchanged during this perhaps 30 second encounter of just standing right next to each other. The silence, broken when she whispered to me “do you know how old I am?” Well, no I said, and she didn’t, thank goodness, want to play the guess my age thing. ” I’m 86 and I have a boyfriend. We live together”….and that was it. I told her how great that was. I felt wonderful. The message was delivered.

A Natural Choice

Taking matters in your own hand….a why not manual for women of all ages…You know just where and when, and for how long…round and round you go …a small voltive candle on the night stand, Channel Orange playing in the background, you glance at a picture of someone you loved so much, or you have your own fantasy, and you keep going round and round fast and faster and breathing so quickly, you almost can’t breath and then a release unlike any other…just totally relaxed… a faint smile, and if only there was someone to kiss…if only someone to hug you…if only…if only..

Desire/Love

To be desired does not necessarily equate to being loved. I’ve experienced both, and I prefer the team!

Overthinking….can be too much thinking!

Sometimes we are faced with a personal situation, and if we don’t reign our thoughts in, we overthink, and then end up making the mistake we were afraid of making..a self fulfilling prophecy, not an option for me…too complicated to think about mistakes.. You definitely don’t want to ask opinions, knowing if you ask 10, you will get 10, and your own will get muddled somehow. You of course, don’t want to hurt anyone in the process, but in this case, the only one who would end up getting hurt would be me, and obviously at this age, I no longer have to worry about being “a good little girl,” and will take full responsibility. One opinion that was given is one I do respect highly, from my co-author..( 80,000 word novel we recently finished}…she knows me very well, and said “I don’t know if you could handle it.” I’m not sure either, but in a light mood, I’m apt to feel why not, fully aware that some why nots for the moment turn into what did I dos forever. In an earlier post, I made reference slightly to this situation (Evasive, but necessary for now) and will share more at a later time. I would like to refer to a terrifc comment made by Phaedra on 4/29..She talked about never having regrets and she is in a place in life, and decided it all worked out pretty great, mistakes and all..I really enjoyed her words and I feel the same. It puts your emotions in balance, instead of living with all kinds of regrets, and that only leads to all kinds of guilt in a huge way. Definitely not a hedonist, but just a devout romantic with a lovely opportunity…so many differences, but even more important, so difficult to pass up.

So…..it’s my birthday!

Today was my 78th birthday. So many beautiful cards, emails, phone calls from all I love and I know love me.. I really do try hard not to focus on the numbers, but they are there loud and clear.. I try and soften the reality by focusing on living in the moment and being so grateful for all that I have. A surivor tool that is beyond important, it is what allows you to enjoy the joys and not even think of the alternatives…when I say alternatives, I mean thinking of what happens later on and when and what of..why even go there? What is the purpose of that thinking, even though, it is reality? Who needs reality, when fantasy is so much more inviting! Fantasy allows you to think whatever you choose, without emotional chains. The chains of overthinking about what you cannot change. The what if’s, the should haves, the could haves, and the not haves. I choose joy, and what an effort it is to think joy, when you feel sad. It does work though, one can control one’s thoughts.You can dwell in the past forever, or talk to yourself and go down the list of haves. I love the emotional lists. I list all the people and things that I am grateful for on one side, and on the other, what makes me feel so empty.. The grateful side always wins, so far so good. I had dinner tonight with my New York son, daughter in love, and granddaughter, and I felt complete. Coming home to an empty quiet apartment, of course, made me think of not being with my husband…but I was ok..as I once said, pity parties are necessary in life, but just don’t stay too long at the party. I look in the mirror, but not in a critical way, that would drive me crazy to focus on every flaw. I put makeup on in the am and then the mirror is not an essentail part of my life..and I like what I see. Erma Bombeck said one morning,”who’s the old lady who moved in last night?” I hope I will always be able to call myself a thinking woman, without the old lady intro….and to all the women out there….Happy Day!!! Numbers? For the lottery only!

How many opinions, part 2……My name is Paula

When I applied for my first passport in my 20’s, I showed my birth certificate. “This is not a legal document.” I was told. Someone crossed out Paulette Molly and wrote in Paula Irene. I was then told if my mother was still alive, it would be an easy fix. I would have to prove I was entered in school with the name of Paula Irene and the name would legally be changed. My Mother chose the name Paulette Molly…of course when she came home from the hospital, she was given many opinions about the name choice and under duress, she changed my name to Paula Irene. I honor my Mother’s first choice by writing under the name of Paulette, and since my last name began with S…you do the letters…In the 50’s everything was monogrammed, but not for me.

Lament…….. of Some

70’s…..I need to be held and kissed.

60’s….I want to be held and kissed.

50’s….I would like to be held and kissed.

40’s….I would like to find a husband.

30’s….I have a husband and would like to be held and kissed.

20’s….I can pretty much get any guy to hold and kiss me.

Pathetic can be obsessing and talking about your voids constantly……but

Yearning is normal.

Desire is normal.

I was so fortunate to have what Sixto Rodriguez sang about in his haunting lyric…”the sweetest kiss I ever had was the one I never tasted.” I have tasted and I have known great love and as always thinking new hopes, dreams…miracles????

A bit off color observation/recollection

“They” say, (whoever they are) that a penis has no brain. That may be true, but hopefully some are attached to a heart and soul…

Friends and Family

I have been fortunate to have the best family and friends, their support and love have been my emotional transfusions. Now new friends and family….at Bloomingdales. I am a shopaholic, but only in my closet, where I refuse to let go of the things I used to wear in my other life, married and living in New Jersey. Why I decided to buy a few new pots and pans is such a mystery, that I have yet to unwrap them, and it’s been a week. Buy hey 20% off of something I don’t really need, is so much better than full price. I rarely cook and recently read stainless steel is much healthier to use, my excuse for the new fry pan and two pots. I never spent so much time buying things I didn’t need as I did for my new cookware. My old fry pan and pots did look a little worn, under a microscope, but they were old, and was that a chip I saw on the edge?? After lessons on how to take care of stainlees steel, I re thought the non stick and was reassured new non stick has no deadly chemicals seeping out to kill me. So finally decided on Italian cookware that comes with a lifetime warranty valid for USA and Canada only. So fortunate I live in the USA and must tell my children and grandchildren they have this warranty as my legacy to them. I must go food shopping and try out my new cookware, or maybe I’ll return and forfeit my friends and family, but just the Bloomie ones.