mother nature is a man and other observations..

I mentioned that my granddaughter put me on Tinder,and eventually going to write about it,  when I can process the experience. Mostly awful, and I had nothing to do with the original thinking of Tinder. I have  said before that the term “hooking up” for me denotes a hospital bed with many tubes. The young version of “hooking up” sounds just as disastrous. The swiping to the left if not interested, and to the right if interested is somewhat of a ritual. It was fun at first doing with friends and the fun quickly turned to  sadness…….Definitely Not for me. Actually any dating site is not for me. My friend Edith who died at 98 told me to never look for a man. “He will find you.” Well Edith we will try your way now. Dating sites for a devout romantic…….Well they don’t go together like a “horse and carriage.” Which by the way should be banned in New York City…..but that’s another story. Until I write the post on Tinder. I went out all of twice. The first one was the funniest……but the second one was a genuinely nice guy. From California. Had lovely conversation and more things to write later. Friendship will reign. I would be so happy for him if he found his wonderful next love………..I am relieved to say, Tinder is no more. I deleted account this morning. Very empowering I must say.

I always wanted to try speed dating. I do make snap judgements, and have rarely been wrong. I would know within five seconds if there was chemistry or not. Of course all speed dating is for the young, and it seems over 65 is considered somewhat old. I don’t know anyone including a 90-year-old acquaintance who uses the word old. I once said labels are out, but if I had to have one, vintage works because it’s value increases with age. I wish an article in a major magazine could be the voice for women 65 plus plus. Amy Schumer did a hysterical comedy routine about women over 50 being unf…….! Worth a Google. So back to Speed Dating. Had the opportunity for 65+ and naturally none of my friends wanted to go. My friend since five years old finally said ok, but alas no room. This was a venue for 12 men and 12 women. All  sorts of rules and regulations. Had to be there 5 for meet and greet, and then the five-minute meeting, and then the quick writing about your feelings. At the end, there would be a tally to see who matched. I brought additional pen and paper because I was going mainly to experience and write about. Not being negative, but I know I will never meet anyone that way. A devout romantic, so  for me it has to be eyes meet in the subway sort of moment……bus or street would also work. So far it’s almost 11 years and no magic has happened. I wrote Allegory/Alleglory and Short Sad Story. First one was based on a true story and second was true. Some men have a close intimate relationship with themselves and no room for anyone else. Problem with first.

So I was getting ready for the Speed Dating event, going myself. Waiting for the Crosstown bus, since it was a distance away, I got a text saying they had a cancellation, and if my friend wanted to go she could. My excitement for the day was growing. Serendipity of course, Susan had to go and when I called her, she actually said yes and she would meet me ASAP at the bus stop. We live a building away. I love to be early and it was getting later and later. Mr Wonderful was waiting. Susan arrived and I insisted we cab  down. I rarely take cabs. Too practical, but we had to be there on time. In the taxi, no traffic and we arrived on time. I insisted on paying the fare. That should have been a hint. $26….Susan being the friend she is, treated me to a drink days later. So, we arrive. This is the scene. Four angry-looking women on a bench. One rather sad older man. Me and Susan. I wondered “where was everyone.” …….remembering the money I just wasted. Oh, and almost forget another man who literally ran away. No great loss. That gave the remaining a good laugh. No one cared that he left. By 6 the young gals who were running this “thing” were lovely and so apologetic for the outcome, or non outcome. They had cheese, wine, and crackers and Susan and I sat  with the two young gals and talked about the situation. The angry women left. The one man stayed for a bit.  I gave my spiel about how little women have progressed socially. Yes, you can become a fire or police person, doctor, lawyer and perhaps even an Indian Chief….but bottom line. A man still does the proposal and if you do go out and never hear, are you going to do the calling? Few do. Face it without anger…..it is and always has been a man’s world.

Just another experience to write about. So off my list is Speed Dating. Next? Tinder…

We all want happiness in our lives. Most of us want as little drama as possible, and prefer things, if good, to stay and not change. Life is all about changes and challenges, and how we handle them is  important. I have  heard that we are dealt  cards and need to deal with the cards we are given, or at least learn how to play. I can only speak from my point of view, and I love to feel the joy that comes with having family and friends who understand me, and we lovingly nurture each other.  Lately though, I have had focused on my voids. the ones I try so  so hard to understand and  resolve. Not allowing  them to define me. Then I can practice denial. Seems to work the best for me.

I have been a widow almost 11 years, living with the mantra that I had  much to be grateful for and exalt in my children,  grandchildren and friends. Ones purpose changes as  lives change. Good health can never be taken for granted. A very close friend of mine has breast cancer, and when I am with her, I am  impressed with her strength. My complaints seem to pale to what she is dealing with, always keeping our conversations very positive. I feel  she will survive this ordeal.

If you read my blogs, perhaps you know of a most recent one called Short Sad Story. We often allow others to sap a most important element in our life. Our positivity. We enable them. We empower them or the situation at the time. The secret and very difficult at times, is to take power back and give it to the one person who can make it better. Ourselves. We hear over and over again to be our own best friend. Perhaps overused, but nevertheless, so much truth within the words. You  then treat yourself with as much kindness as possible, and also anyone in your  path. Not always easy because there will be people  who think differently and are  limited in many ways. Their level of kindness, warmth, consideration, not in great working order.  I believe in karma, and you never wish anyone bad karma, because they create their own.  Their karma will come back to haunt them when they knowingly hurt another person. Your happiness doesn’t depend on their unhappiness. Many of these people must be weeded from Your Friendship Garden. The more you weed, the more  flourishing  plants fill the holes.  Some voids can rarely be filled and that is one of my points.  When my husband died, my grief was unbearable. In time, I was ready for a new love. That has never happened. Not even close. Not a whiner at all.  Living  in a city with so much  energy, family and friends near by can be exciting……but the buts sometimes prevail…. I think I read over 700 thousand single women. The best and worst place for a single woman unless perhaps in your 20’s or early 30’s.

I know I will have many women  disagree with me, but I sincerely think that living and being alone is abnormal. We all have different needs,and not all women, have or have had great passion in their lives. The absolute joy in knowing the feeling of fantastic chemistry and attraction. Being in love with someone who loves you back The closeness, absolute. So fulfilling……and the feeling of happiness is all-consuming, taking away emotional pain. A contributor to your well-being.  When that emotion is missing and realistically, no matter how positive or how much magical thinking you do, the truth is there. I could be alone the rest of my life. Not necessarily lonely, but very much alone. It is a daunting thought. Something you make a peace treaty with.  For ego, I could count the many men who wanted more than I did. I hardly went out on a date more than twice, so a relationship not possible. I admit that I do have high standards and did when I was 15. I met my husband when I was 17 and married at 20. There could never be anyone like him. I am smart enough to know you don’t replace a great soul connected love, but you can have another love that can be wonderful. I  never did. Not even close.  At my age, chemistry and attraction are just as important as they were when I was a teenager. If that element is missing, I couldn’t even begin. That has not happened, but had some kind of experience  in Short Sad Story……although that would have surely been a short-term state of craze, seemed like a good idea at the time thing.  My happiness cannot totally  come from another person because it can be taken away one way or another. Thus the statement “be your own best friend” isn’t as banal as it sounds. It’s wisdom and truth. I happen to have a therapist 24/7.  Me…..and much needed because I am always working on this person. It’s ok to feel the voids and sadness and disappointments , I call them pity parties, but you can never stay too long at the party. If you  emotionally make a list of all that makes you happy, and what makes you unhappy, your grateful side, hopefully wins. The battle with yourself is lifelong to be the best you can be and not let the letdown of others constantly let you down. Happiness is so illusive…….grateful is everlasting.

“Love is, above all, the gift of one’s self.” Jean Anouilh

New York City is not the place to be a single woman. It makes no difference how old you are. I have spoken over the years to hundreds of women, and the tragedy seems to be the women who really want to get married and have children.  Your thirties to forties goes very quickly and then what? I am not one to complain since I had a long wonderful marriage, and when I became a widow, dating was not an option. I went out, but rarely if ever went on a second date. My choice, so my ego was in tact. If I had a daughter in her thirties I would advise her to move. It seems many couples meet in college and marry in their twenties. Then you have the guys who literally are in a candy store and not that interested in settling down until their forties. ………who do they choose, women in their twenties ,

and  where does that leave the ones in their thirties. When I lived in New Jersey, I had a friend who worked in the city. She periodically asked me if I knew any men to fix up women in her office  who were having problems finding guys. On line dating sites and now Tinder and Stitch are offering even more choices, but are there as many men on these sites as women? Are women a drug on the market? I believe Joan Rivers said that a woman in her forties is finished, and a man who can drive and has money in his 90’s is a catch or something like that. For many women in their sixties and over, they have told me they have given up even trying. The demographics for them would be men much older than they are interested in. It’s not easy and definitely not getting easier. What has become a choice is motherhood.  If a woman wants a child, she can have one without being married. That was not a choice years ago. Progress was made. I spoke recently with women in their 20’s and  socially they haven’t made so many strides. If they go out on a date or two, they want the guy to call them for another date. They are reluctant to be the one to call……and when it comes to marriage? Who is the one who makes that decision?

I will never do anything that would demoralize me. Going to specific single events is not something I do, something like a meat market and I am a vegan. Very unappealing and the bar scene or club scene would be worse. I just don’t go. I was though recently intrigued with a speed dating evening for 60+. That took place last night and I need to process the experience before I actually blog about it. I will give one hint. It was a disaster. More to come.