mother nature is a man and other observations..

September Morning

Neil Diamond has a touching song called September Morning. I love the melody and lyrics. This September I may just have happy memories to replace a very sad September morning almost twelve years ago. I practice meditation and yoga, and try very hard to live with magical thinking, but also reality based. If there is anything to write about I will. At the moment it’s just a lovely moment in time.
He travels the world and is totally selfless and interesting how he gives of himself. A relationship would never be……..on the other hand, a memory that would be everlasting isn’t such a bad idea at my age, or any age. When will an opportunity like this happen again? I can’t predict. We spent a lovely evening together in Virginia.
To keep in touch we text. If nothing else, I have met a very interesting man. Someone I’ve not met in all the years of being a widow. No one that matters. No one I would ever like to be with.
I believe strongly in serendipity as he does. It’s all about……if meant to be, it will be.
…………and I will play September Morning, some morning in September.

Father’s Day 2016 A Day To Remember To Remember

A day of reflection. Sad in some ways, but more joyful when I remember. Not all you have missed, but the results of your wonderful parenting skills. You were not only a hands on Father when in the 50’s, that was unusual and unique, you were loving, supportive, and beyond fantastic. When the boys called you from their rooms three flights down, to help with homework, ( and I had no clue about math), no matter how tired you were at the end of the day, you were there totally. We were a family that made communication a priority…..in every way. We instigated a Sunday morning family council meeting. It was in no way democratic. It was total dictatorship. Majority did not rule. If the boys and myself voted for, and you voted against, it was your decision. Well this was before women’s lib, but in our home, changes were taking place quickly. You were 100% fine with the new rules of the council meetings. Majority wins.. No problems, no drama, and no complications. Anything was allowed to be said, and no restrictions on vulgarity. The boys could say whatever they wanted to, and about each other and they did…….. being 18 months apart, one can only imagine the surface tormenting that went on. I refuse to name the tormentor. I love him and the tormented far too much. The council meetings lasted for as long as I can remember. We were a completely connected family and have remained, always there for each other. The word love isn’t quite strong enough.
Barry, you would be so proud of your sons, not only devoted and caring to me, but loving husbands, and fathers. They are strong role models for Tommy, Taylor, and Danielle. I know you look after us. I know in my heart and soul you know, and your wonderful eyes and smile are shining down on us….. Our Guardian Angel, our Sunflower. Our sons Forever Father.

A Dinner Invit With Me Bringing The Food!

A friend I don’t see very often invited me for dinner. Lovely, right? She then called after we settled on a date to say “I don’t know what to make. You don’t eat that much of a variety”.
To set the record straight. I am a pescatarian, a vegan who eats fish and dairy. I also eat every vegetable known to man except Okra. Every nut, Every kind of humus, fruit, bean, cold water wild fish, yogurt, seeds, brown rice, more grains than I can list. So I eat many varieties. I love a glass of red wine…not much sugar, cheese, salt, or butter.
Now my friend was doing a little transference. She is a strict eater. Never bread, pasta, sugar etc. So I would say I was the easier one. She always talks about her lentil soup and how great it is. So when she said there is nothing for me to eat, I mentioned all that I enjoy, and how easy it is to put out some raw veggies with humus and her soup.
She wasn’t in the mood to make soup and called me at least three times to tell me she was having a problem with the menu. I was losing patience, but I know her issues and wanted to be nice so didn’t say. WTF! You invited me and now telling me how difficult it is.
I was planning on bringing a lovely bottle of red wine. I then offered to bring smoked wild salmon. I generally buy a 1/4 lb and it lasts for three days. Quite expensive. I said I would bring 1/2 lb of the salmon. She liked that. She then called to say what would we eat with that? So I offered to buy some humus and veggies. Now we’re up to about $80 for this lovely dinner invitation.
I empowered myself many years ago and never say “I should have said that or done that.” It’s a done deal with me from the get go. Old enough to not obsess about what should and could, have been said. I say it and feel good. Never hurtful, but honest, not too honest.
I called her and said it was all getting a little complicated and why don’t we just go out….we always get separate checks to avoid any drama.
The moral of this story. You can write what you want about anyone, as long as they aren’t on the same social network you’re on.

Forever Magical Thinking

Thinking maybe this time, instead of using for material, I would actually go on Tinder and OKCupid to find someone. Not necessarily harshly judging. I’m also on Stitch.net and do events for them as well as the Search. Feel safe there from catfish. Funny to just say the word. My dear friend Edith who passed away at 98 always gave me advice. Never search for Him. He will be there at the right time. Well it’s almost 12 years and as I have always said instead of a pity party. I had the very best soul connected love, and with all the problems, a long marriage, almost 50 years. We shared such a strong connection emotionally and physically. A romantic love with someone who had the capacity to love and be loved. He was not just the best human being, he was so good-looking, I loved looking at him. He would say the same to me. So 30 years was perfection and that may be all for me and I’m content and forever grateful for all I had and have in my life. But…….occasionally I feel and would say to Edith. “I have to be proactive and at least try.” Once again.
On Tinder there was Erich. A fitness trainer and model. There he was on his profile naked from the waist up. Whatever he was wearing was way below his waist, but thankfully not showing everything. A large gold chain topped off the look. He wanted to meet immediately because he knew “we were right for each other.” Unmatched immediately as I did with Juan who also shirtless and with a huge wide leather necklace. Only his face wasn’t tattooed and certainly not interested in finding out if any body parts were left without painted “art.” His profile said he was interested in finding his last love and “thot it could b me” I didn’t find the spelling or the art very appealing and unmatched as well. It’s boring to keep going over the unappealing guys, but the standouts are all holding small to huge dead fish. Wonder if a metaphor for something?????
Not all negative though. Actually going to meet two age appropriate, nice looking and interesting guys. OKCupid so maybe Edith won’t mind if Cupid had a plan.
Keep posted. You never know…..or do I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pulitzer Prize……and………

So, someone fixed me up with a Pulitzer Prize winning writer. Finally someone older than I am. Not often impressed, but I was. After all a Pulitzer. But, that feeling went away rather quickly. Immediate zero chemistry……I might add, on both sides. The best part. It was quick. We met for a coffee/tea and one of his first words ” he had an appointment soon. and his dog was in the car, and he had some chores to do”, like go to the drug store. I was happy he didn’t share for what! Practicing Buddhist philosophy, I felt I could do the dog a favor. and get him out of the hot car, even with windows opened. I offered to hold the leash and watch his furry one. I actually spent more quality time with his dog and I liked that. No arrogance and very friendly.
So, there you have it….

Never Knew I Was A Zero, but Very Okay With It

This will be a short post. Just took a little break from going over novel that needs so much re writing.
There are reasons why I will probably never meet anyone on any dating site. Good for some material only. The last few profiles were unbelievable in their quest and their requests..One jerk and I use the term instead of one that ends in hole…I still need to be a lady.
So getting to the point, one man said he was a 1-5 on the Kinsey Scale and wanted the same. I knew who Kinsey was, but not aware of a scale. so of course I Goggled . Not going into detail, you can Google if really interested. Let me put it nicely. Seems he would have sex with just about any combination. Did leave out Turkeys though.Perhaps a vegan. I checked myself out and I was a zero….. meaning heterosexual and one at a time. I never thought of sex as a media event or group sport. I deleted.
Next profile, he wanted a partner once a week to learn and practice Tantric Sex . Now, it’s not nice to be critical of someones looks, but I would think this guy should put an ad on Craig’s List and be willing to pay $10,000 and maybe, just maybe someone desperate for cash would be his partner. He may want what Sting practices, but needs to be a bit more realistic. I deleted.
By the way these are the usual dating sites, not some weird ones. I have never ventured, even for a good story on those.
Today’s profile I see the guy wants long-term sapiosexual relationship. I was almost afraid to Google this one.
Actually not so bad. “One who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature.”
The idea of walking on the beach at night, or as they write kuddling in front of the fire, or having a nice lady take care of me, all seem mild now. I don’t mean to say they’re all like this………..just MOST!!!!!
I have found, since being single for over 11 years, a few things that have not changed. Most of the men want to have sex and then get to know you…..or not. Some men enjoy their own company (in every way) more than really getting to know a woman.
Some are very bitter and angry. I know there are some nice great guys on these sites. I just haven’t found one yet.
I’m still a born again virgin and intend to stay until Mr. Almost Wonderful arrives. One is on the horizon and right now in the fantasy phase….”Getting To Know You”. I am definitely not going in the direction of “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” As I said they very often turn into……”What was I thinking.” Not going to happen.
One of my favorite quotes is “Heard Melodies Are Sweet, Those Unheard Are Sweeter.” John Keats
Perhaps fantasy never lives up to reality……And then again, You Never Know.

Lincoln Center Jazz Orchestra

I’m most grateful to have two subscriptions to Lincoln Center Jazz. The genius of Wynton Marsalis and his group of extremely talented musicians fill the audience with soul nourishing music. I would like to share two special quotes about music.
“Without music, life would be a mistake.” Nietzsche

“Music in the soul can be heard by the universe” Lao Tzu

Dance as though no one is watching you, is a favorite quote of mine and seems to be attributed to many and also Unknown….so I can’t credit the author, but I can recommend the words. If you dance for at least twenty minutes, everything seems to feel better and as long as you’re dancing, put on a smile.

Deleted

Delete….Verb….to  strike out or remove {something written or printed} cancel, erase, expunge..

In this new age of technology I think people might be added to the mix. On any social network, you can unfollow, unfriend, unmatch.  So easy to just, and I say a bit harshly, get rid of…..Without the most important element. Communication. So much not to say, these days when texting has taken the place of actually phone contact. I do the same thing with one big but. On Twitter and I have almost 5,000 followers, I never unfollow unless someone does to me. Same with Facebook. I don’t unfriend, On any Internet Dating Site, I definitely use the lifeboat and unmatch quickly.

I must have been in a 50’s haze to think  that communication is better than ghosting.

But then again, taking the easy way out is easier for some. DELETE!!!!!!!!

Allegory/Alleglory…Memories

I did a post a few years ago as a metaphor for a personal experience. Many details were altered a bit. I have had many followers on mothernatureisaman asking for “what happened since.

What I have found in life is the experiences you have, often turn out to be lessons. Not mistakes, because the words should have, could have, would have, just don’t work. Guilt doesn’t either. There are no do overs, but you can start over with clear emotional eyesight.

I have a  therapist 24/7.  Not my  brother who is a retired psychiatrist.  I also volunteered in a psych. unit for many years. I don’t judge what’s right for some, but for me, I know myself better than anyone, and I put in the work on myself, without another telling me, or suggesting , what I already know. So it’s me who takes care of  all the unanswered questions that  pop up. What I have learned and hope to pass on to readers is this. You can’t get in someones head. You don’t always have the key. If someone in your life is limited emotionally when it comes to true and genuine communication, you can’t teach a ghost to appear. It’s up to them and perhaps if they are willing to compromise and meet half way, communication can begin. It is a fact that women to women know how to talk about feelings and the whole concept that goes with it. Most men either don’t want to or don’t know how. Some of course do and they are the ones generally in positive relationships. Without any anger, I smile and sweetly say to myself, my mantra…..”if you don’t care, I care less.”  Works…..for me when necessary.

I had many readers comment on my post as to  why Maude didn’t just go for it. That’s  not in my DNA. Dignity is a very important aspect to my sense of self. I was told I over analyze. Really? I thought that was talking about who I am. I guess I do over think at times, but it’s only working issues out before I make a pretty big decision.

So for those who wanted to know what happened. Nothing. The ending is the same until a new ending is written. We remain technically in touch.  I still think he’s appealing and talented and it stays neatly  in place, not causing complications.

Short Sad Story will probably never have another ending. As my own therapist,  I asked myself if I regretted those few hours sharing a lovely time connecting. Chemistry, attraction, and passion are not easily found, and for a few hours found. My sense of self very much in tact because I knew. I just knew and I was right in going with my intuition. It was time for him to go home.

I still haven’t given up hope that someday, there will be someone to go home with again.